It has been quite the week! I started with headaches and nausea/vomiting this time last week, and by Monday was generally feeling pretty yucky with serious cankles and puffy little fingers, weird vision things.... Luckliy I have the best OB in the world (he is also insanely hot and a real sweety) who really listens to his patients. He ordered labs including a 24 hour urine collection (that was fun....). So my blood work showed I was a bit dehydrated but nothing too bad, but I still didn't feel better. Thursday I saw a midwife who thought it was a migraine - and the weird visual things I had were an aura. Fair enough...but really I felt so crappy I was an awful historian and since I didn't really like the midwife that much I wasn't inclined to be talkative.
Today I had to drop of my big jug of pee and see the OB - now this was a totally different experience. The nurse was fab- Allie was her name - and the doctor (Dr. Erin Tracy) was also lovely - and they really listened. So I got to spend a few hours hooked up to a monitor (that was seriously cool) for Poppy's heartbeat and for contractions, with IV fluids running. The fluids and 10 mg of reglan made me feel a whole lot better. So a fab midwife (Autumn) said we could go home - and then right as I was getting ready the 24 hour urine result came back and yep - I have pre-eclampsia (p-e).
So what is the plan from here? I think when we see the lovely Alex (my regular OB) on Tuesday of next week we will be having a serious discussion about inducing me - as he has already told me that given my age, other risk factors (1st child, family hx of p-e) he will have a low threshold for induction. I have a feeling that this time next week we may well be posting the first pictures of Miss Poppy Elizabeth Marie Kennedy.
We are a little tired of Yawkey 4 - we are averaging 3 days a week up there. So far this week it has all been scheduled which is so much better than last week! Monday we had another ultrasound and Poppy is continuing to grow, her little heart is bopping along nicely and seeing her breathe is really quite fab. She is also very wiggly still - and just loves to give me a good kick to remind me that she is still very much there. The scan was perfectly normal.....
Today we saw Alex (McDreamy) - and since my BP was "perfect" he is going to let me go one more week before I get induced. The plan now is: Friday we have a non-stress test, Monday we have another scan and we will also see Alex. Then provided Poppy doesn't have other ideas we will be admitted and induced on Thursday Nov 12th in the evening.
Of course this is all dependant on me being a good patient - and reporting any issues - like BP spikes, more vision problems, really severe headaches etc. If I have any escalation in pre-eclampsia symptoms I have to be induced earlier.....Right now it is just such a relief to have a definitive plan - gives both me and Robert a feeling of control over all of this.
One really cool thing about waiting is that my mum and dad will be here when she is born
Newborn Poppy
Friday, October 30, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
Nausea, neurosis....first trimester insanity
I am 10 weeks today. So how is it going? I have been so nauseous , I really didn't expect it to be as bad as it has been. My cravings have kind of gone crazy too. Those early days of wanting as much red meat as I could cram into my face have long since passed and I am very definitely off red meat, in fact I seem to be off meat altogether. I am enjoying cheese and crackers, and apples, oh and ice cream - but meat just isn't doing it for me.
The neurosis is driving me crazy, and I wonder if it is just anxiety because of the miscarriage in 2005 and my guilt associated with that and with 1995. Every twinge, every ache in my belly sends me running to the bathroom expecting bleeding, followed by this overwhelming relief when there is no bleeding. I then start berating myself very quietly for being stupid and worrying unnecessarily. So it is something of a vicious cycle. I don't want to be the expectant mom who calls the clinic every 5 minutes fussing and fretting. I guess I just never expected to be this scared.
Today has been particularly bad. I woke up as usual to pee, and expected my boobs to be totally sore as they usually are when I get up in the middle of the night. Unfortunately the stabbing pain in my eye distracted from the boobs. I squinted in the bathroom mirror (without my glasses) and could see quite easily that the left eye was red and puffy. Crap. My first thought was I had somehow managed to scratch my eye in my sleep...I went back to bed and tried to ignore it but it just kept waking me up. When Robert (in the throes of end of semester anxiety) got up at 4 I asked his opinion so then it was quick shower, in the car and off to the ED with a swollen, injected sticky eye. I leave almost 2 hours later somewhat reassured that I have no corneal abrasion, no HSV in my eye just an old fashioned case of conjunctivitis.
I called the 4-BABY line just to let them know, then spent the rest of the day getting more anxious (the anxious hubby did not help...a word of advice think before you speak in early pregnancy as the hormone insanity may make you tell your husband to just leave you alone and if he is anxious he will think that you want him to leave forever - man that took some sorting out...)and I have finally emailed the delightful Dr. Quaas pretty much begging for a 10 week ultrasound just to reassure me that everything is fine. We'll see.
I thought I was actually prepared for this part (I have devoured the Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy eschewing What to Expect....) and I have decided that there is no way to prepare for this level of hormone induced insanity. Think PMS, then take those feelings and multiply them by about 100. You will hate everyone, your husband, the ass who parked his Navigator at exactly the right spot on the street to make getting your car off the driveway almost impossible, the lady in the grocery store who will not put down her cell phone to speed up the process of bagging her groceries, just about everyone except for the dogs and cats who remain quite lovely at this point.
The neurosis is driving me crazy, and I wonder if it is just anxiety because of the miscarriage in 2005 and my guilt associated with that and with 1995. Every twinge, every ache in my belly sends me running to the bathroom expecting bleeding, followed by this overwhelming relief when there is no bleeding. I then start berating myself very quietly for being stupid and worrying unnecessarily. So it is something of a vicious cycle. I don't want to be the expectant mom who calls the clinic every 5 minutes fussing and fretting. I guess I just never expected to be this scared.
Today has been particularly bad. I woke up as usual to pee, and expected my boobs to be totally sore as they usually are when I get up in the middle of the night. Unfortunately the stabbing pain in my eye distracted from the boobs. I squinted in the bathroom mirror (without my glasses) and could see quite easily that the left eye was red and puffy. Crap. My first thought was I had somehow managed to scratch my eye in my sleep...I went back to bed and tried to ignore it but it just kept waking me up. When Robert (in the throes of end of semester anxiety) got up at 4 I asked his opinion so then it was quick shower, in the car and off to the ED with a swollen, injected sticky eye. I leave almost 2 hours later somewhat reassured that I have no corneal abrasion, no HSV in my eye just an old fashioned case of conjunctivitis.
I called the 4-BABY line just to let them know, then spent the rest of the day getting more anxious (the anxious hubby did not help...a word of advice think before you speak in early pregnancy as the hormone insanity may make you tell your husband to just leave you alone and if he is anxious he will think that you want him to leave forever - man that took some sorting out...)and I have finally emailed the delightful Dr. Quaas pretty much begging for a 10 week ultrasound just to reassure me that everything is fine. We'll see.
I thought I was actually prepared for this part (I have devoured the Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy eschewing What to Expect....) and I have decided that there is no way to prepare for this level of hormone induced insanity. Think PMS, then take those feelings and multiply them by about 100. You will hate everyone, your husband, the ass who parked his Navigator at exactly the right spot on the street to make getting your car off the driveway almost impossible, the lady in the grocery store who will not put down her cell phone to speed up the process of bagging her groceries, just about everyone except for the dogs and cats who remain quite lovely at this point.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
The Thing We Brought Back From NYC
So, this all starts around the week of March 2nd. My mouth tastes like I have been sucking metal, everywhere I go I can smell Calstat - which is really weird when I am on the train...Great - it's more new and weird PMS symptoms I think, although I don't actually get any weird mood swings or the general PMS psychosis i have had in recent months - I am not kidding - I have been a total crazy person....To this day I do not know what made me buy the pregnancy test, although I am inclined to go with the absence of the mood swings. There I am on March 10th, peeing on a stick and waiting for the inevitable "not pregnant"........ it doesn't happen - it says "pregnant." I almost stop breathing - I doubt the accuracy. I take the stick and the incredible result downstairs and show Robert. It seems like we did it...The next morning I pee on the stick again - still positive. I get an order for an HCG - yup definitely pregnant. I get an appointment with an Ob-Gyn, and I get discharged from the fertility clinic - seems we won't be needing their help after all...WE DID IT! WE DID IT ALL ON OUR OWN!
So we are now 8 weeks - and although I am now constantly nauseous and gagging intermittently I am beyond happy, we both are. it is such a miracle. I am of course still nervous, but my HCG is great and last week we had our first ultrasound and there it was a tiny little peanut with a super incredible heart beat. It is so freaking excited....So not only did we bring great memories back from New York City we brought home a baby....So miracles do happen in NYC! And this will be the last Fertility Schmertility posting...now it will be a monthly update as we progress through this amazing adventure.
Oh - as for the mind body stuff - yeah - I lasted that first week and never went back - so not my thing...
So we are now 8 weeks - and although I am now constantly nauseous and gagging intermittently I am beyond happy, we both are. it is such a miracle. I am of course still nervous, but my HCG is great and last week we had our first ultrasound and there it was a tiny little peanut with a super incredible heart beat. It is so freaking excited....So not only did we bring great memories back from New York City we brought home a baby....So miracles do happen in NYC! And this will be the last Fertility Schmertility posting...now it will be a monthly update as we progress through this amazing adventure.
Oh - as for the mind body stuff - yeah - I lasted that first week and never went back - so not my thing...
New York New York
The following took place in February 19th - 21st
This was my first trip to NYC - we went down to see Lynn off on her year long MSF adventure in India. I was quite intrigued by the city - and even walking around on my own I didn't feel threatened at all - nothing like Philly. We stayed at the New Yorker - got a sweet heart deal on the room even though it was Fashion Week - bless this crappy economy!
I saw the Empire State Building, the Chrysler Building, Broadway, Times Square, Central Park, 30 Rock - took lots of pictures....We had pizza at Lombardi's the first pizzeria in NYC - it was so fab....
And we got spend time with Lynn who we will both miss like crazy, but we are so incredibly proud of her for doing this amazing thing.
This was my first trip to NYC - we went down to see Lynn off on her year long MSF adventure in India. I was quite intrigued by the city - and even walking around on my own I didn't feel threatened at all - nothing like Philly. We stayed at the New Yorker - got a sweet heart deal on the room even though it was Fashion Week - bless this crappy economy!
I saw the Empire State Building, the Chrysler Building, Broadway, Times Square, Central Park, 30 Rock - took lots of pictures....We had pizza at Lombardi's the first pizzeria in NYC - it was so fab....
And we got spend time with Lynn who we will both miss like crazy, but we are so incredibly proud of her for doing this amazing thing.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
I'm becoming an American
The following occured on January 28th 2009.
It is a very weird weather day. It starts snowing right as we leave for Lowell - and we are still not sure why my swearing in ceremony is all the way by the New Hampshire Border when everyone else we know was sworn in at Fanueil Hall or even the State House (even better Fenway...but it is below 0 and it is January so I can let than one go ..a bit...). So off we go not thinking that driving just 40 some miles could be such a grand adventure...Seriously thank God we had Nessa's Jeep - we had to use 4WD on the damn freeway the snow got so bad. Then we get to itty bitty Lowell and have to park 4 blocks from the place where the ceremony is and it is now almost a blizzard...and it's too late to reconsider. The Man said I need to be there so I am there!.
We get to the convention center (well not really, more like a theater) and I can't even sit with Robert - he is way up in the balcony while I am sandwiched (in the yellow seating area) with 2 people who have seriously tiny bladders and I have to get up every 5 minutes so one of them can pee. I mean come on! There is a blizzard outside so there are no refreshments (as one guy from immigration so cheerfully points out and I think "well there is bloody Dunkin' down the street go and buy lots of coffee - they turned up for work today even if the concession stand folks didn't")
And so we start texting each other:
Rob: "Yay! Crying child by me!"
I send back a photo of me poking my tongue out.
Then the immigration folks start asking the folks who are being sworn in for interpretation abilities - and I am not talking weird languages here I mean they want Italian interpreters....
We wonder how everyone passed the test as you have to be kinda old to be able to waive the English language part of this whole process. But it gets better - they tell us as the whole auditorium is getting restive that the judge who is going to be doing the ceremony isn't leaving Boston until 11am - it is 10, there is now a blizzard, and even without the blizzard it took us almost an hour to get here.
Robert says: "And the result is.....how hard is it to get a judge here at 10am?"
Seems very hard...the texts get more profane as we start making inappropriate Sesame Street jokes and some comments I am really not comfortable repeating in public....but seriously we were there by 0900 and the judge didn't get there until noon??? Holy Cow!
Robert says: "Because our government is dysfunctional - welcome to America"
I have to get up yet again so the small bladders can pee...and I get told off by some officious little man about how this is a courtroom blah blah blah blah blah.....but as Robert says after I text him about my own personal official
"Judge ain't here then this is NOT a courtroom. It is the f...ing future venue of a Pink Floyd cover band"
And we get into a discussion about them confusing the Pink Floyd dudes with the Sesame St show that is also about to be showing there. Of course I mistype and apologize for being an Oscar the Couch.....and the reply is
"Oscar the "crouch" .....hehehehe...that was funny. Not as funny as Oscar the Crotch...but still"
And so it goes on until the judge finally shows up and after 3 hours of waiting with nothing to drink...not even a glass of water (wow maybe this is a reality TV show about what it was like at Ellis Island circa 1800.....) I get to pledge allegiance and all that fun stuff and I file out and get a certificate with some unknown bureaucrat's signature on it and guess what I am an American.
And you know what in spite of everything I am so thrilled - I finally did it, and I did it under a President I actually believe in. I am an American Girl.
It is a very weird weather day. It starts snowing right as we leave for Lowell - and we are still not sure why my swearing in ceremony is all the way by the New Hampshire Border when everyone else we know was sworn in at Fanueil Hall or even the State House (even better Fenway...but it is below 0 and it is January so I can let than one go ..a bit...). So off we go not thinking that driving just 40 some miles could be such a grand adventure...Seriously thank God we had Nessa's Jeep - we had to use 4WD on the damn freeway the snow got so bad. Then we get to itty bitty Lowell and have to park 4 blocks from the place where the ceremony is and it is now almost a blizzard...and it's too late to reconsider. The Man said I need to be there so I am there!.
We get to the convention center (well not really, more like a theater) and I can't even sit with Robert - he is way up in the balcony while I am sandwiched (in the yellow seating area) with 2 people who have seriously tiny bladders and I have to get up every 5 minutes so one of them can pee. I mean come on! There is a blizzard outside so there are no refreshments (as one guy from immigration so cheerfully points out and I think "well there is bloody Dunkin' down the street go and buy lots of coffee - they turned up for work today even if the concession stand folks didn't")
And so we start texting each other:
Rob: "Yay! Crying child by me!"
I send back a photo of me poking my tongue out.
Then the immigration folks start asking the folks who are being sworn in for interpretation abilities - and I am not talking weird languages here I mean they want Italian interpreters....
We wonder how everyone passed the test as you have to be kinda old to be able to waive the English language part of this whole process. But it gets better - they tell us as the whole auditorium is getting restive that the judge who is going to be doing the ceremony isn't leaving Boston until 11am - it is 10, there is now a blizzard, and even without the blizzard it took us almost an hour to get here.
Robert says: "And the result is.....how hard is it to get a judge here at 10am?"
Seems very hard...the texts get more profane as we start making inappropriate Sesame Street jokes and some comments I am really not comfortable repeating in public....but seriously we were there by 0900 and the judge didn't get there until noon??? Holy Cow!
Robert says: "Because our government is dysfunctional - welcome to America"
I have to get up yet again so the small bladders can pee...and I get told off by some officious little man about how this is a courtroom blah blah blah blah blah.....but as Robert says after I text him about my own personal official
"Judge ain't here then this is NOT a courtroom. It is the f...ing future venue of a Pink Floyd cover band"
And we get into a discussion about them confusing the Pink Floyd dudes with the Sesame St show that is also about to be showing there. Of course I mistype and apologize for being an Oscar the Couch.....and the reply is
"Oscar the "crouch" .....hehehehe...that was funny. Not as funny as Oscar the Crotch...but still"
And so it goes on until the judge finally shows up and after 3 hours of waiting with nothing to drink...not even a glass of water (wow maybe this is a reality TV show about what it was like at Ellis Island circa 1800.....) I get to pledge allegiance and all that fun stuff and I file out and get a certificate with some unknown bureaucrat's signature on it and guess what I am an American.
And you know what in spite of everything I am so thrilled - I finally did it, and I did it under a President I actually believe in. I am an American Girl.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Putting the mind, the medicine and the body all in one place
So I sit there and I realize I am one of the very few women sitting alone except for Gloanna (name changed) and maybe one or two others. This is opening night at the institute and because of that spouses and partners are allowed and encouraged. Good luck with mine - he has school until 19.30 and this all is a bit touchy feely group therapy for him.
How do I feel? Well I tried to be so clinical but found my heart pounding, my mouth dry and my fight /flight drive in over drive...so do I punch the smug women with their dull husbands or do I just run out, grab the big check I wrote and forget this as stupid and desperate?
We watch a power point - now that did make me super relaxed and I did nod off but after that it was all get in a circle and let's divulge and share about anything except pregnancy....I'm sorry but shouldn't that be part of this? Shouldn't we talk about those infertility feelings? Apparently not. Oh and then just to make this so much more stressful and uncomfortable we have an "assigned" buddy. Seriously looking around the room we are all mature and professional women do we really need to be assigned friends by the soft spoken group leader?
So I try really hard to do what I am told, but is just like JPN 201 all over again. I cannot meditate alone - I find the spot on the floor that need to be cleaned right then, or I just drift off and think about what I need to do at home and at work. And because I don't do what I have been told to do I feel like a failure and wonder again why I am putting myself through this?
Is the weekend any different -well really no. We have to go the grocery store, the gas station, the car wash, pick up N from the airport...run run run. Sunday I feel good I do 30 mins of Wii Fit and at least an hour of the dance and other random shift your arse Raving Rabbids game on the Wii. I don't eat crap, but as ever I can't sleep so here I am ...and as bad as this makes me sound I am drinking myself to sleep....Oh and by the way I know it doesn't really work - but allow me something I can put false hope into.....
How do I feel? Well I tried to be so clinical but found my heart pounding, my mouth dry and my fight /flight drive in over drive...so do I punch the smug women with their dull husbands or do I just run out, grab the big check I wrote and forget this as stupid and desperate?
We watch a power point - now that did make me super relaxed and I did nod off but after that it was all get in a circle and let's divulge and share about anything except pregnancy....I'm sorry but shouldn't that be part of this? Shouldn't we talk about those infertility feelings? Apparently not. Oh and then just to make this so much more stressful and uncomfortable we have an "assigned" buddy. Seriously looking around the room we are all mature and professional women do we really need to be assigned friends by the soft spoken group leader?
So I try really hard to do what I am told, but is just like JPN 201 all over again. I cannot meditate alone - I find the spot on the floor that need to be cleaned right then, or I just drift off and think about what I need to do at home and at work. And because I don't do what I have been told to do I feel like a failure and wonder again why I am putting myself through this?
Is the weekend any different -well really no. We have to go the grocery store, the gas station, the car wash, pick up N from the airport...run run run. Sunday I feel good I do 30 mins of Wii Fit and at least an hour of the dance and other random shift your arse Raving Rabbids game on the Wii. I don't eat crap, but as ever I can't sleep so here I am ...and as bad as this makes me sound I am drinking myself to sleep....Oh and by the way I know it doesn't really work - but allow me something I can put false hope into.....
Friday, January 9, 2009
Another fertility schermility rant....
So it has been a year since the first time I hoped and thought that I was pregnant. So I am still hoping and praying. I stopped thinking several months ago as I have come to the conclusion that when I get nausea it is just psychosomatic - my own little bit of wanting to be pregnant crazy.
The big news I guess is how on board Robert is with having a baby, although I am dreading his fussing somewhat - he will so be wrapping me up in cotton wool. The irony in this being he is the one who always says pregnancy is natural and not an illness.
In other posts I have explained our plans - with the clomid, then the shots then IVF. It is all terribly overwhelming really. I am working like a demon on the Wii Fit and (I know this sounds really stupid) Raving Rabbids TV Show also on the Wii - it has the best dance work outs and a great one for your waist and your arse - but you have to play that one to really understand. I am trying to watch what i eat, but lately that is not much thanks to my psychosomatic nausea.
We both continue to hate what the tabloids have done to pregnancy and childbirth (although I still buy them so I guess I am complicit in their behavior). I am not trying to sound like a crazy 1950s housewife but even when I was a teenager (in the 1980s) having a baby at 16 or 17 wasn't bragged about that much, and it was a scandal. I can still remember the first girl in my year who got pregnant it was so horrifying to us all. Yet today we have Jamie Lynn Spears and Bristol Palin all having babies, and their parents are all so very proud of them, and the tabloids are just waiting to offer them 100s of thousands of dollars for the first pictures. (On a slightly sarcastic note we think Miley will be next....). The rate of teen pregnancies has increased in the past year and I have to wonder if it isn't the constant bombardment of "bump watches" and young girls who are idolized by the tabloids for the ability to reproduce.
I thought that I was avoiding this on the TV - after all I am at work when Tyra and Oprah are on and I really don't watch E! any more and then last night's ER happened.
Let me back track.
After a week of nausea and knowing that we timed things just right we did and early pregnancy test (1 day early) which was negative and I was surprisingly calm about it especially as we do have the plan in place know.
So I settled down to watch the dramas of the ER unfold - and what does it start with? A miserable Angela Basset staring despondently at a white stick. Ah - way to rub it in NBC. A career woman who miscarried at 3 months who now can't get pregnant (oh and she is over 40). Fast forward to her sitting with the OB doc who is telling her all the horrible statistics - her FSH is too low for any fertility clinic to take her on blah blah blah blah blah...Robert turned it off. He was just furious as was I. If you look at the whole Angela Basset back story - successful career woman, loses a child to leukemia, then has a miscarriage then can't have another child. It was handled with all the grace and sensitivity of a sledge hammer to the head!
To me the message it sent was that older women who have established, professional careers cannot have children, should not have children - or quite simply they just waited too long and were selfish about getting that career so they don"t actually deserve a child.
Am I overreacting - oh without a doubt I am, but I actually do feel a little justified. These portrayals and stereotypes of successful women do nothing for women. Yes, they show that a woman can be a successful physician, but she has to sacrifice everything else for that. Oh and I still hate Angelina Jolie......
The big news I guess is how on board Robert is with having a baby, although I am dreading his fussing somewhat - he will so be wrapping me up in cotton wool. The irony in this being he is the one who always says pregnancy is natural and not an illness.
In other posts I have explained our plans - with the clomid, then the shots then IVF. It is all terribly overwhelming really. I am working like a demon on the Wii Fit and (I know this sounds really stupid) Raving Rabbids TV Show also on the Wii - it has the best dance work outs and a great one for your waist and your arse - but you have to play that one to really understand. I am trying to watch what i eat, but lately that is not much thanks to my psychosomatic nausea.
We both continue to hate what the tabloids have done to pregnancy and childbirth (although I still buy them so I guess I am complicit in their behavior). I am not trying to sound like a crazy 1950s housewife but even when I was a teenager (in the 1980s) having a baby at 16 or 17 wasn't bragged about that much, and it was a scandal. I can still remember the first girl in my year who got pregnant it was so horrifying to us all. Yet today we have Jamie Lynn Spears and Bristol Palin all having babies, and their parents are all so very proud of them, and the tabloids are just waiting to offer them 100s of thousands of dollars for the first pictures. (On a slightly sarcastic note we think Miley will be next....). The rate of teen pregnancies has increased in the past year and I have to wonder if it isn't the constant bombardment of "bump watches" and young girls who are idolized by the tabloids for the ability to reproduce.
I thought that I was avoiding this on the TV - after all I am at work when Tyra and Oprah are on and I really don't watch E! any more and then last night's ER happened.
Let me back track.
After a week of nausea and knowing that we timed things just right we did and early pregnancy test (1 day early) which was negative and I was surprisingly calm about it especially as we do have the plan in place know.
So I settled down to watch the dramas of the ER unfold - and what does it start with? A miserable Angela Basset staring despondently at a white stick. Ah - way to rub it in NBC. A career woman who miscarried at 3 months who now can't get pregnant (oh and she is over 40). Fast forward to her sitting with the OB doc who is telling her all the horrible statistics - her FSH is too low for any fertility clinic to take her on blah blah blah blah blah...Robert turned it off. He was just furious as was I. If you look at the whole Angela Basset back story - successful career woman, loses a child to leukemia, then has a miscarriage then can't have another child. It was handled with all the grace and sensitivity of a sledge hammer to the head!
To me the message it sent was that older women who have established, professional careers cannot have children, should not have children - or quite simply they just waited too long and were selfish about getting that career so they don"t actually deserve a child.
Am I overreacting - oh without a doubt I am, but I actually do feel a little justified. These portrayals and stereotypes of successful women do nothing for women. Yes, they show that a woman can be a successful physician, but she has to sacrifice everything else for that. Oh and I still hate Angelina Jolie......
Saturday, January 3, 2009
A response to the anonymous post of Jan 2nd
Wow! So 6 months later somebody took umbrage about what I wrote about the construction on my street by the La Rosa Development Corporation. In the interests of sharing I have added the comment which was anonymous to this post - followed by my comments.....
I think that the homes on Notre Dame and Washington are beautiful. Why would you pretend that they are not a huge improvement? i know that the "community" would rather have a crack house put up in the middle of that development, but it wasn't the case. If you want your toilets to stop backing up, then stop using baby wipes. Drains and sewers are not one in the same. Stop pretending that you understand how things work. the truth is that you just love to complain and imagine that you actually have a community and you can organize to make a difference. Who in their right mind misses possums and racoons? If anything their is more trash for them to eat with more people living there so dont sweat it. The houses in that neighborhood are a huge improvement. You have Academy Homes right across the street. How many shootings and drug areests happen there every night? Stop kidding yourself. I'd love to know which delapidated house in that neighborhood is yours. It could definitely use a good rehab. But lets face it, you rent.
http://www.wickedlocal.com/roslindale/archive/x508049450/Developer-wants-to-demolish-historic-homes
http://www.jamaicaplaingazette.com/node/2947
I think that the homes on Notre Dame and Washington are beautiful. Why would you pretend that they are not a huge improvement? i know that the "community" would rather have a crack house put up in the middle of that development, but it wasn't the case. If you want your toilets to stop backing up, then stop using baby wipes. Drains and sewers are not one in the same. Stop pretending that you understand how things work. the truth is that you just love to complain and imagine that you actually have a community and you can organize to make a difference. Who in their right mind misses possums and racoons? If anything their is more trash for them to eat with more people living there so dont sweat it. The houses in that neighborhood are a huge improvement. You have Academy Homes right across the street. How many shootings and drug areests happen there every night? Stop kidding yourself. I'd love to know which delapidated house in that neighborhood is yours. It could definitely use a good rehab. But lets face it, you rent.
Don’t be such a coward – writing anonymously is so passive aggressive. Although if these comments were in fact made by one of the people involved with the construction I am not terribly surprised as your boss tends to avoid meetings with communities and when confronted relies on aggression and insults to get his point across.- As for the houses being dilapidated I am sure Jackie, Mohammed and Rodrigo will be thrilled to know about their homes being dilapidated. I’ll be sure to pass that on to them.
- Now, seriously why would we want a crack house? That is just silly. There’s one around the corner on Bragdon St, so we’re all set thank you very much.
- Now, visually the new homes are very nice, but we all watched them get built and have some terribly interesting photographs of the construction. We don’t make groundless accusations, we research issues, provide documentation – like the professionals we are. We also do have a very good understanding of “how things work.”
- You mention Academy Housing, and while there have been some issues with crime there overall it has not impacted us at all, but when a 4 year old is shot in a neighboring house, a murder suspect is arrested outside of our front door, and the police make frequent slow drives or stop due to the yelling and shouting from the condos on Notre Dame St one has to wonder. We also discovered from a neighbor that those very same condos are Section 8 – they were very shocked and disappointed. We alas were not.
- Our toilets have never backed up – the pipes in the basement have. We have had sewage come up through those pipes. We have watched as drain covers have been blown off in the street – something that never happened before the construction even during the heaviest rains
- Baby wipes – now why on earth would a childless couple have a need for baby wipes? If you had bothered to look at any other posts you would have realized this, and also realized that we are struggling to have a child. If you did read any other posts then you are quite simply spiteful, insensitive and cruel.
- As for the complaints we made:
OSHA – that was because there was little or no safety precautions on the site – this includes the young boy who was up a tree with no safety equipment while hacking away at a branch with a chain saw
The city for the noise of idling trucks outside my front door before 07:00, for construction workers using the front yard as a thoroughfare, for consistently blocking ingress and egress to my home and for having portable generators spew fumes constantly and then having staff dump the empty fuel containers wherever they saw fit. - I welcome comments however; no matter how vitriolic they are, as I believe that everyone has a right to their opinions and to free speech. My one request is that you please double check your spelling and grammar ( I have highlighted your spelling and grammatical errors in red), and please avoid unsubstantiated personal attacks as they are just unprofessional.
- Where exactly did you go to college?
And in closing here are some interesting links - 1 rather old and 2 from this past year.
http://www.bostonneighborhoodnews.com/zoningchairunderfire.htmlhttp://www.wickedlocal.com/roslindale/archive/x508049450/Developer-wants-to-demolish-historic-homes
http://www.jamaicaplaingazette.com/node/2947
Friday, December 19, 2008
So..I am an aunt...and what is next for us
This was a little unexpected. God Bless my darling sister in law who whose waters broke on Tuesday morning and ended up having basically a crash C-section at 32 weeks. She had a little boy - Simon John who weighed in at 3 pounds 11 ounces and was 16 inches long. The little wee thing spent one night on a ventilator, got surfactant and is now breathing on his own with a tiny whiff of oxygen via nasal cannula. Mommy is also doing good. I am so incredibly thrilled - even though there a couple of folks who are convinced I am utterly suicidal about this. To them I say "Get over it!"
You see as anyone who has read this knows I did kinda fall apart when I found out about the pregnancy and it did take me and mommy a while to get comfortable talking about it. She didn't want to upset me, I didn't want to make her feel bad. But as grown women we worked it out. When I got the news on Tuesday my primary concern was mommy and baby - didn't actually consider me and RB and our situation which really is so peripheral to all of this. Sadly convincing that couple of people that I am not about to swallow a handful of pills or hang myself from the nearest beam seems to be impossible. The passive aggressive remarks about not having savings, and stress causing our miscarriage 3 years ago did not endear these people to me either. I miscarried because I miscarried - end of story. I have stopped blaming myself so these folks need to stop trying to blame us too.
We are planning on heading down to MD when the other folks have left - I am more than happy to stay up a couple of nights with the bairn to give mommy and daddy a break - I just want to do it without the critical gaze of our biggest critics. Well I guess the old adage is very true...you can choose your friends, but you cannot choose your family.
My sister in law is hoping we do get pregnant soon so the two bairns will be close in age and can be brought up together - I think this is adorable given that I have grown up with an uncle who is more like a big brother and cousins that I few as siblings - but then I do have a huge family....
So where are we with all of this baby making. Actively trying, feeling my cervix, checking my mucous (all so very gross) timing sex...not pregnant. I have actually stopped being upset when I get my period - I finally reached acceptance that we will need some help with all of this. We saw Dr. Styer on Wednesday (oh the irony) and here is the plan
- clomid challenge in the New Year on our schedule
- if not PG during the challenge then 1 cycle of clomid with IUI
- if no joy then SC injections and IUI for 4 cycles
- if no joy the IVF for however long it takes....
I am so freaking glad I live in Massachusetts so this is covered by insurance. Serendipitous move I think.
But back to Wee Simon (or as hubby and I have christened him the Cartman of the NICU - given that he is way big by NICU standards) - we are just so thrilled that he is doing so well, and we are already spoiling him...and we will always have gum.
You see as anyone who has read this knows I did kinda fall apart when I found out about the pregnancy and it did take me and mommy a while to get comfortable talking about it. She didn't want to upset me, I didn't want to make her feel bad. But as grown women we worked it out. When I got the news on Tuesday my primary concern was mommy and baby - didn't actually consider me and RB and our situation which really is so peripheral to all of this. Sadly convincing that couple of people that I am not about to swallow a handful of pills or hang myself from the nearest beam seems to be impossible. The passive aggressive remarks about not having savings, and stress causing our miscarriage 3 years ago did not endear these people to me either. I miscarried because I miscarried - end of story. I have stopped blaming myself so these folks need to stop trying to blame us too.
We are planning on heading down to MD when the other folks have left - I am more than happy to stay up a couple of nights with the bairn to give mommy and daddy a break - I just want to do it without the critical gaze of our biggest critics. Well I guess the old adage is very true...you can choose your friends, but you cannot choose your family.
My sister in law is hoping we do get pregnant soon so the two bairns will be close in age and can be brought up together - I think this is adorable given that I have grown up with an uncle who is more like a big brother and cousins that I few as siblings - but then I do have a huge family....
So where are we with all of this baby making. Actively trying, feeling my cervix, checking my mucous (all so very gross) timing sex...not pregnant. I have actually stopped being upset when I get my period - I finally reached acceptance that we will need some help with all of this. We saw Dr. Styer on Wednesday (oh the irony) and here is the plan
- clomid challenge in the New Year on our schedule
- if not PG during the challenge then 1 cycle of clomid with IUI
- if no joy then SC injections and IUI for 4 cycles
- if no joy the IVF for however long it takes....
I am so freaking glad I live in Massachusetts so this is covered by insurance. Serendipitous move I think.
But back to Wee Simon (or as hubby and I have christened him the Cartman of the NICU - given that he is way big by NICU standards) - we are just so thrilled that he is doing so well, and we are already spoiling him...and we will always have gum.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Getting to the edge of reason
So it happened. Happy Friday - here comes mother nature. I actually thought I was doing really well until Saturday when Pampers ads and the ad for the Cord Blood banks made me cry, and that has pretty much been the status quo since then. It seems that anything and everything sets me off. Of course none of this is helped by the fact that other people who are blessed to be pregnant are unhappy with their bump and shudder at the thought of any pregnancy pictures, and just generally complain. Well you know what "SUCK IT UP" You have something that so many of us would give anything for, no being pregnant is not easy, it's bloody hard work carrying around a whole new life, but you are having a healthy baby so don't you dare complain that your tummy looks wrong. I would in all seriousness sell my soul for a baby.
See - I am getting pretty close to the edge of reason now. It is all becoming a bit too much. I have never felt more alone in my life, and I have never felt like such a failure. You think that being a mom is a given, at least I always did. I know I made mistakes in the past, and I know that realistically I am not being punished by some higher power for them, but the feeling is still there. But the overwhelming feeling I have is that I know I will be a bloody good mom - I would just like the chance to do it. Just once. I am not greedy, I don't want a brood, just one little person.
I feel bad for Robert because he just doesn't know what to do about how I am feeling, he doesn't know what to say so he gives me all the platitudes I hear from everyone else. Next year, it'll happen, stop worrying, stop obsessing. I can't tell him how upset she is making me because then I am just being mean and bitchy. You know what maybe I am but I don't know how else to feel when the lovely soft teddy bear, the big bumper bag of new baby stuff and cute clothes are not getting put in a dresser here, and then he asks me to make a quilt for her - and I just can't. I have tried. I have talked maternity clothes (none of them were good enough), nursery themes, vaccination schedules - everything a supportive relative should do - and not once has any of them actually said "Hey Jo, how are you doing with all of this?" Is that too much to ask? I actually just told Robert how I feel and he offered to talk to her for me, but of course his rationale is "Well she's probably just saying that so you don't feel bad" Well guess what - it bloody well makes me feel worse because it makes her sound so bloody ungrateful and vain and spoiled.
So I will have my HSG which as I have said previously will undoubtedly be incredibly painful, and my mum and Nessa and a few other good friends will ask me how I am - but some will just ignore it. It almost makes me feel like they are thinking that if they all ignore it it will go away and I won't be there to take the shine off the perfect child.
See - I am getting pretty close to the edge of reason now. It is all becoming a bit too much. I have never felt more alone in my life, and I have never felt like such a failure. You think that being a mom is a given, at least I always did. I know I made mistakes in the past, and I know that realistically I am not being punished by some higher power for them, but the feeling is still there. But the overwhelming feeling I have is that I know I will be a bloody good mom - I would just like the chance to do it. Just once. I am not greedy, I don't want a brood, just one little person.
I feel bad for Robert because he just doesn't know what to do about how I am feeling, he doesn't know what to say so he gives me all the platitudes I hear from everyone else. Next year, it'll happen, stop worrying, stop obsessing. I can't tell him how upset she is making me because then I am just being mean and bitchy. You know what maybe I am but I don't know how else to feel when the lovely soft teddy bear, the big bumper bag of new baby stuff and cute clothes are not getting put in a dresser here, and then he asks me to make a quilt for her - and I just can't. I have tried. I have talked maternity clothes (none of them were good enough), nursery themes, vaccination schedules - everything a supportive relative should do - and not once has any of them actually said "Hey Jo, how are you doing with all of this?" Is that too much to ask? I actually just told Robert how I feel and he offered to talk to her for me, but of course his rationale is "Well she's probably just saying that so you don't feel bad" Well guess what - it bloody well makes me feel worse because it makes her sound so bloody ungrateful and vain and spoiled.
So I will have my HSG which as I have said previously will undoubtedly be incredibly painful, and my mum and Nessa and a few other good friends will ask me how I am - but some will just ignore it. It almost makes me feel like they are thinking that if they all ignore it it will go away and I won't be there to take the shine off the perfect child.
Monday, November 10, 2008
5 days and counting and another bitch slap from reality
Monday
So, I stopped thinking about having a baby and concentrated on just having fun. It's been lots of fun.....But of course now I am 5 days late. I am now actually too scared to pee on a stick. I emailed the amazing Cheryl about maybe doing a blood test. I will see what happens over the next few days. I don't know what to do. It just seems that after all these months of worry it may be too good true to be true. So what's a girl to do? I think it may be time to talk to the mommy pals and see what they say.........
Tuesday
I am exhausted, no matter what I do and my eyes are all kinds of screwy when I am at work - I am thinking a combination of stress and the lighting. I would love more natural light but that's impossible at this time of year - oh, and my office has no windows. So I am still wondering. Finally at lunch time Judy asks me how the baby making is going and so I tell her that I am now 6 days late - so we do a serum HCG. I spend 2 hours feeling sick with butterflies - and there it is <6 as usual. I am not sure why I let myself be so hopeful this time. Maybe I thought that the fates would smile on me this time, and I would find out that I was pregnant almost exactly 3 years since the miscarriage. But the fates are obviously busy elsewhere again. I hate that I am feeling like this - there are so many people in this world with problems that far surpass mine but just for a few days I know I won't be able to get my head around that. So now I get ready for the period that will undoubtedly come and then get ready for another painful feet in stirrups procedure where they say that ibuprofen before hand will make it such a breeze - this is a lie. I get another test just to see how broken I actually am, how far past my sell by date I am. How I blew those 2 chances, how I am being punished for my sins.
The worst thing is I can read this and part of me is thinking "Whoa crazy girl here" but another part of me is "Sod it - this is something I want more than anything in the world I am allowed to have some self pity, I am allowed to acknowledge my feelings, get them out.
This sucks. Basically that's it. It sucks.
So, I stopped thinking about having a baby and concentrated on just having fun. It's been lots of fun.....But of course now I am 5 days late. I am now actually too scared to pee on a stick. I emailed the amazing Cheryl about maybe doing a blood test. I will see what happens over the next few days. I don't know what to do. It just seems that after all these months of worry it may be too good true to be true. So what's a girl to do? I think it may be time to talk to the mommy pals and see what they say.........
Tuesday
I am exhausted, no matter what I do and my eyes are all kinds of screwy when I am at work - I am thinking a combination of stress and the lighting. I would love more natural light but that's impossible at this time of year - oh, and my office has no windows. So I am still wondering. Finally at lunch time Judy asks me how the baby making is going and so I tell her that I am now 6 days late - so we do a serum HCG. I spend 2 hours feeling sick with butterflies - and there it is <6 as usual. I am not sure why I let myself be so hopeful this time. Maybe I thought that the fates would smile on me this time, and I would find out that I was pregnant almost exactly 3 years since the miscarriage. But the fates are obviously busy elsewhere again. I hate that I am feeling like this - there are so many people in this world with problems that far surpass mine but just for a few days I know I won't be able to get my head around that. So now I get ready for the period that will undoubtedly come and then get ready for another painful feet in stirrups procedure where they say that ibuprofen before hand will make it such a breeze - this is a lie. I get another test just to see how broken I actually am, how far past my sell by date I am. How I blew those 2 chances, how I am being punished for my sins.
The worst thing is I can read this and part of me is thinking "Whoa crazy girl here" but another part of me is "Sod it - this is something I want more than anything in the world I am allowed to have some self pity, I am allowed to acknowledge my feelings, get them out.
This sucks. Basically that's it. It sucks.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Learning to adapt
So, after my hospital stay, but before the lap chole I see Dr. Styer. We talk about plans - we will see him again in December and make plans. In the interim with my November cycle I get to have my hyterosalpingogam - oh lovely - stirrups, tubes, speculums and dye! But we kinda have a plan in place and Robert is really on board - the news about his fantastic sperm really helped.
I also have to make a shout out to Sarah, Tony and baby Harper as well as our wonderful neighbors with the seriously cute Diane (2) and Billy (3 mos) - as they all infected him with a baby bug, so I actually finally feel as if we are on the way.
I am thinking the plans will be IUI and if that doesn't work then IVF. So what to do? You know the thing is now there is an end in sight and a hope of a baby I am getting pretty zen about all of this. I bought a book and if anyone actually reads this and are going through or about to go through all of this BUY THIS BOOK!
"A FEW GOOD EGGS - TWO CHICKS DISH ON OVERCOMING THE INSANITY OF INFERTILITY" BY JULIE VARGO AND MAUREEN REGAN
See, the thing is I had originally turned to the Internet and got all freaked out because I read medical journals, papers and even textbooks. I stopped being human and let my utterly clinical brain cope and think for the rest of me. So standing in Borders by State St, I finally allowed myself to browse the pregnancy section and there hidden (as it always seems to be) in plain sight was this little biddy section on infertility. Some of the books seemed like they would get a bit "well you didn't or did do ABC, therefore..." or "eat this, that and the other and..."but in the midst of this I find this book. I bought it.
I ignored it for a month.
Today I finally picked it up, put it in my work bag, ignored on the way to work, but coming home I plucked it out and started to read.
I ignored Part 1, and moved straight to "Finally....unprotected sex" and it is a hoot. I am finally laughing. I am finally realizing that being a nurse doesn't mean I know a thing about reproduction or my own body for that matter. Given that I briefly taught sex ed I am kind of embarrassed at my lack of knowledge. Seriously I have learned things I never expected to know. Who knew the importance of cervical mucous - that stuff I always thought of as "vaginal discharge." Who knew how much your temperature could vary or how inconclusive ovulation predictor tests can be - seems a thermometer and playing with the aforementioned mucous is much more reliable. But apart from the embarrassment at my shocking lack of knowledge I am now calm and so much more relaxed about all of this.
Why this sudden calmness? I don't know. It could be that we have been kinda bunny like recently and I think (without a thermometer or mucous checks) I may have ovulated at some point during this past week of fun and "shenanigans." So - why am I not obsessively doing date checks like I have every other month this year? I know that there are other options so if we don't do this on our own we have help just down the street. So I can finally relax and just enjoy it and not think all of those thoughts like "Will this be the month" ; "Surely this month is the one" ; "Why isn't this month the one?"; "What did I do wrong that this isn't the month?" I truly thank Julie and Maureen for this. I even have the confidence to share parts of the book and what I am learning with Robert. WOW.
I have allowed myself just one day of serious weepies when I saw on my sister-in-law's Facebook page that the baby had kicked for the first time and all her mommy friends were so excited - and as happy as I was I couldn't be excited, just jealous that I wasn't feeling that. It only lasted a day though and now I am so excited and happy for them both and I am totally looking forward to being an aunt to my baby nephew in February.
I also have to make a shout out to Sarah, Tony and baby Harper as well as our wonderful neighbors with the seriously cute Diane (2) and Billy (3 mos) - as they all infected him with a baby bug, so I actually finally feel as if we are on the way.
I am thinking the plans will be IUI and if that doesn't work then IVF. So what to do? You know the thing is now there is an end in sight and a hope of a baby I am getting pretty zen about all of this. I bought a book and if anyone actually reads this and are going through or about to go through all of this BUY THIS BOOK!
"A FEW GOOD EGGS - TWO CHICKS DISH ON OVERCOMING THE INSANITY OF INFERTILITY" BY JULIE VARGO AND MAUREEN REGAN
See, the thing is I had originally turned to the Internet and got all freaked out because I read medical journals, papers and even textbooks. I stopped being human and let my utterly clinical brain cope and think for the rest of me. So standing in Borders by State St, I finally allowed myself to browse the pregnancy section and there hidden (as it always seems to be) in plain sight was this little biddy section on infertility. Some of the books seemed like they would get a bit "well you didn't or did do ABC, therefore..." or "eat this, that and the other and..."but in the midst of this I find this book. I bought it.
I ignored it for a month.
Today I finally picked it up, put it in my work bag, ignored on the way to work, but coming home I plucked it out and started to read.
I ignored Part 1, and moved straight to "Finally....unprotected sex" and it is a hoot. I am finally laughing. I am finally realizing that being a nurse doesn't mean I know a thing about reproduction or my own body for that matter. Given that I briefly taught sex ed I am kind of embarrassed at my lack of knowledge. Seriously I have learned things I never expected to know. Who knew the importance of cervical mucous - that stuff I always thought of as "vaginal discharge." Who knew how much your temperature could vary or how inconclusive ovulation predictor tests can be - seems a thermometer and playing with the aforementioned mucous is much more reliable. But apart from the embarrassment at my shocking lack of knowledge I am now calm and so much more relaxed about all of this.
Why this sudden calmness? I don't know. It could be that we have been kinda bunny like recently and I think (without a thermometer or mucous checks) I may have ovulated at some point during this past week of fun and "shenanigans." So - why am I not obsessively doing date checks like I have every other month this year? I know that there are other options so if we don't do this on our own we have help just down the street. So I can finally relax and just enjoy it and not think all of those thoughts like "Will this be the month" ; "Surely this month is the one" ; "Why isn't this month the one?"; "What did I do wrong that this isn't the month?" I truly thank Julie and Maureen for this. I even have the confidence to share parts of the book and what I am learning with Robert. WOW.
I have allowed myself just one day of serious weepies when I saw on my sister-in-law's Facebook page that the baby had kicked for the first time and all her mommy friends were so excited - and as happy as I was I couldn't be excited, just jealous that I wasn't feeling that. It only lasted a day though and now I am so excited and happy for them both and I am totally looking forward to being an aunt to my baby nephew in February.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Abdominal Issues over....
So the EGD was just fine and dandy, yet I was still not eating, still puking, still looking like death warmed over. I called Erica, the wonderful, fabulous Erica and all of a sudden my surgery is jumped up to Monday September 22nd and I am having my lap chole. It's all gone. The pain is all gone, sadly eating fatty foods still kinda sucks - doesn't hurt, but goes in one end and out the other. So there isn't much fun food, but man have I lost weight! You would think that I would lose weight have more energy and exercise more - nah. I have less energy, and actually that's because I have no appetite. So we are trying to reintroduce foods and I am finding that I like very particular things - I like tuna, I love sushi, I love lean beef and potatoes - I do not like french fries, I do not like grilled cheese sandwiches. I ate pizza today - 1 small slice and I was so stuffed.
I have 4 tiny incisions that are healing just fine, and if I keep off the fatty foods - no pain, no diar-horrors - it's all go good.
Oh - and due to the damn gall bladder I had to rescind my place at BHI for the mind-body medicine program - I was pretty much tied up for the first 3 weeks of the program. So I am having to find other ways to deal with how I am feeling and all of this mess.....
I have 4 tiny incisions that are healing just fine, and if I keep off the fatty foods - no pain, no diar-horrors - it's all go good.
Oh - and due to the damn gall bladder I had to rescind my place at BHI for the mind-body medicine program - I was pretty much tied up for the first 3 weeks of the program. So I am having to find other ways to deal with how I am feeling and all of this mess.....
Saturday, September 13, 2008
I thought this was a post partum issue????
So - something I forgot to mention about when I saw the baby doc at BHI - he palpated my belly and when he pressed on my right upper quadrant I just about left the table. This led to an odd week of discomfort around that area with nausea, pain and just kinda feeling crappy - oh and of course I largely ignored this - it was so bloody busy at work what was I supposed to do?
Well, Dez came into town on Friday and we had a blast until Sunday morning when I got up puking up anything I had the temerity to imbibe....and all I tried was water. The pain was by now "quite spectacular" as I described it to my hubby. So while RB, Dez and Kelly went on my orders to Gloucester I went to the ED. This was at 10.30am. At 1.30pm I got my ultrasound, much much later I got my CT, and finally I got admitted to Ellison 7. Here's the thing - the doctors - oh lord I got so messed around - surgery - no surgery - surgery - no surgery. All this finally reduce me to tears by 1.00am. I got the best medicine finally - hugs from a lovely Haitian nurse called Evie. Oh that did more healing than any pain med, and IV antibiotic. When I got to the floor my nurse was Tiffany - although not like "TG" - this girl was sober (ie had not been drinking) and so sweet and competent. And that was how it went - all my nurses were fab, all the radiology staff were fab - the ER docs were lovely and the surgeons ran the gamut. Some were very nice and I really don't know how given that their chief residents were without a doubt the biggest douche bags EVER. One pounded on my left upper quadrant until it hurt and then said I couldn't possibly have a gall bladder problem - surgery cancelled - no doubt for something way sexier than a simple lap chole. One showed up 2 mornings running after I had about 2 hours of morphine induced slumber, pressed on my belly, made me hurt and left promising to come back. Yeah right - still waiting.
Thing is my scans were negative so although I had a consistent clinical exam my scans didn't agree - so I had a joyful 72 hours NPO while the team changed it's mind every 12 hours and basically ignored me. One chief (the early morning one) actually said he didn't want to do surgery if my gall bladder was okay because I would become a chronic pain patient. Oh bless my nurse for sharing this with me. Chronic pain - me - oh puuhleeze.
So second opinion time - the lovely Dr Berger who doesn't look for zebras when he hears hoof beats - a guy who understands that scans are not infallible - he actually believed me. The plan now is an upper GI to rule out an ulcer (yeah - right - no reflux, no heartburn....) and if /when that is negative I get a lap chole on Oct 17th. But this was seriously supposed to be post-baby not pre-baby.........
Well, Dez came into town on Friday and we had a blast until Sunday morning when I got up puking up anything I had the temerity to imbibe....and all I tried was water. The pain was by now "quite spectacular" as I described it to my hubby. So while RB, Dez and Kelly went on my orders to Gloucester I went to the ED. This was at 10.30am. At 1.30pm I got my ultrasound, much much later I got my CT, and finally I got admitted to Ellison 7. Here's the thing - the doctors - oh lord I got so messed around - surgery - no surgery - surgery - no surgery. All this finally reduce me to tears by 1.00am. I got the best medicine finally - hugs from a lovely Haitian nurse called Evie. Oh that did more healing than any pain med, and IV antibiotic. When I got to the floor my nurse was Tiffany - although not like "TG" - this girl was sober (ie had not been drinking) and so sweet and competent. And that was how it went - all my nurses were fab, all the radiology staff were fab - the ER docs were lovely and the surgeons ran the gamut. Some were very nice and I really don't know how given that their chief residents were without a doubt the biggest douche bags EVER. One pounded on my left upper quadrant until it hurt and then said I couldn't possibly have a gall bladder problem - surgery cancelled - no doubt for something way sexier than a simple lap chole. One showed up 2 mornings running after I had about 2 hours of morphine induced slumber, pressed on my belly, made me hurt and left promising to come back. Yeah right - still waiting.
Thing is my scans were negative so although I had a consistent clinical exam my scans didn't agree - so I had a joyful 72 hours NPO while the team changed it's mind every 12 hours and basically ignored me. One chief (the early morning one) actually said he didn't want to do surgery if my gall bladder was okay because I would become a chronic pain patient. Oh bless my nurse for sharing this with me. Chronic pain - me - oh puuhleeze.
So second opinion time - the lovely Dr Berger who doesn't look for zebras when he hears hoof beats - a guy who understands that scans are not infallible - he actually believed me. The plan now is an upper GI to rule out an ulcer (yeah - right - no reflux, no heartburn....) and if /when that is negative I get a lap chole on Oct 17th. But this was seriously supposed to be post-baby not pre-baby.........
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Mind-body medicine - how did this become stressful
It was supposed to be a busy morning and then I would slope off to the Benson Henry Institute for Mind-Body Medicine at lunch time. Not to be. I left all kinds of frustrated as my pals at a certain drug company would not give me a waiver - puhleeze - Labor Day really is not my fault! Then I get lost - aka the pedestrian GPS tends to throw in that extra quarter mile - I like to think my phone is being proactive in helping me lose weight (10 pounds btw if you happen to keep track of such minutiae).
So I finally make it and have to face something stupid like 30 pages of questions - okay it wasn't really that many but my pager kept going off and I had to deal with so many attending MD egos - all of this when I am trying to get set up in a program that teaches relaxation and awareness and stress reduction so I can achieve the ultimate goal. And seriously I do love my BMT docs and today I do especially love patient CLC - but you were all not my ultimate goal today. My ultimate geoal was get into this program and learn lots of mind-body stuff so I can have a baby.
But what is BHI like? Interesting. The attending was about 12 - seriously either that or I am seriously old. He did a brief physical that did not involve stirrups so Dr. Mehta is my current favorite physician, although when I did lay down I looked for some place to put my feet so my legs were akimbo! Not that kind of office...they are more concerned with how my mind effects my body.
A recap - I work 40-50 hours a week in the office, maybe another 10-15 at home ( I am paid for 40). I worry when I leave, I am dictated to by my email and my pager - I am drowning but I keep finding more projects that absolutely must be done and done perfectly. Add this to 13 years of night shift, and tendency to be a perfectionist and obsessive and OMG I am pretty screwed up. There was a question about time for yourself - I thought about my bubble baths but they are generally shared with a cat or dog so I am not alone.
Oh, and I reinforced my hatred for tabloids and especially Angelina Jolie - although Miss Abstinence Only Education Bristol Palin is up there. So tabloids except for UK Heat are banned, In about 3 months (after Di and and Nate visit) I have to quit drinking (except for hols) until I am knocked up which means until I am knocked up, delivered and done with breast feeding (if the BF Nazi's do get to me - I am planning to strategically avoid them....it will be like playing Age of Empires...)
Part of the program is meditation - so I guess I get to back to obsessing about stains on things while I find the place to focus on. There is yoga which is always good and then there is nutrition - oh bugger - is someone going to please stop by my office at noon each day and remind me that I need to eat, and also remind me the PB on toast is not a good dinner?
The down side to this whole mind and body thing is the group thing - I so haaaatttteeee being in a group. I hope the others are as proactive as me and not too maudlin about their infertility when I am finally at that "Oh let's just deal with it" point.....As for hubster joining in - i think I can persuade him into the whole day yoga for couples retreat (I bought the Wii, am allowing the Wii Fit, have to go through a billion invasive procedures) so it is the least he can do - especially when his sperms swim just fine. BASTARD. Why don't we release more eggs and why do we have a sell by date? So not fair!
But enough - sorry chaps that became an emotional rant. I am seriously hopeful about the Mind-Body Institute - after all the research is there to back this up: relaxation, rest, meditation, nutrition and yoga....so I guess "Fertility Schmertiliy" updates will be Monday or Tueday nights (after each meeting)- although I must point out I am getting a DVR for this so I don't miss Heroes!!! I am still allowed a bit of that Jo selfishness and shallowness....also being that bit cynically selfish does help me cope when "What to do When you are Expecting" sings like a siren song from my desk drawer from one of those months when I got all excited.
And in closing - Sarah Palin did not teach her child appropriate sex ed and given that both she and her hubby hunt I imagine there is a rifle point directly at poor Levi's head. And if she is anti-choice which she chooses to prove by having her child with trisomy 21 then show him off, make him a part of all of this - don't just come onstage with your youngest daughter carrying him. Show us that you mean to care for this special and wonderful baby should you (and the thought does terrify me on so many levels) become our next VP. As for comparisons - 17 year old knocked up daughter, Downs baby - sorry does not compete with the tragedy that Joe Biden faced. Oh and Sarah lose the Tina Fey look- liberals and I assure Tina are a tad miffed....Oh and your first job taking care of 8000 people: over 30,000 work at MGH, there is a condo complex in Manhattan with it's own zip code - oh and you only had your passport for a year - well ain't you just the sweetest darn thing ever. Bless - those damn Aleutian Islands can be so tricky. Oh please. Ladies do not vote for McCain just because of "Miss Sarah" vote for people with real ideas and real ideals and real morals. Go with Obama and Biden. Please....pretty please.....
So I finally make it and have to face something stupid like 30 pages of questions - okay it wasn't really that many but my pager kept going off and I had to deal with so many attending MD egos - all of this when I am trying to get set up in a program that teaches relaxation and awareness and stress reduction so I can achieve the ultimate goal. And seriously I do love my BMT docs and today I do especially love patient CLC - but you were all not my ultimate goal today. My ultimate geoal was get into this program and learn lots of mind-body stuff so I can have a baby.
But what is BHI like? Interesting. The attending was about 12 - seriously either that or I am seriously old. He did a brief physical that did not involve stirrups so Dr. Mehta is my current favorite physician, although when I did lay down I looked for some place to put my feet so my legs were akimbo! Not that kind of office...they are more concerned with how my mind effects my body.
A recap - I work 40-50 hours a week in the office, maybe another 10-15 at home ( I am paid for 40). I worry when I leave, I am dictated to by my email and my pager - I am drowning but I keep finding more projects that absolutely must be done and done perfectly. Add this to 13 years of night shift, and tendency to be a perfectionist and obsessive and OMG I am pretty screwed up. There was a question about time for yourself - I thought about my bubble baths but they are generally shared with a cat or dog so I am not alone.
Oh, and I reinforced my hatred for tabloids and especially Angelina Jolie - although Miss Abstinence Only Education Bristol Palin is up there. So tabloids except for UK Heat are banned, In about 3 months (after Di and and Nate visit) I have to quit drinking (except for hols) until I am knocked up which means until I am knocked up, delivered and done with breast feeding (if the BF Nazi's do get to me - I am planning to strategically avoid them....it will be like playing Age of Empires...)
Part of the program is meditation - so I guess I get to back to obsessing about stains on things while I find the place to focus on. There is yoga which is always good and then there is nutrition - oh bugger - is someone going to please stop by my office at noon each day and remind me that I need to eat, and also remind me the PB on toast is not a good dinner?
The down side to this whole mind and body thing is the group thing - I so haaaatttteeee being in a group. I hope the others are as proactive as me and not too maudlin about their infertility when I am finally at that "Oh let's just deal with it" point.....As for hubster joining in - i think I can persuade him into the whole day yoga for couples retreat (I bought the Wii, am allowing the Wii Fit, have to go through a billion invasive procedures) so it is the least he can do - especially when his sperms swim just fine. BASTARD. Why don't we release more eggs and why do we have a sell by date? So not fair!
But enough - sorry chaps that became an emotional rant. I am seriously hopeful about the Mind-Body Institute - after all the research is there to back this up: relaxation, rest, meditation, nutrition and yoga....so I guess "Fertility Schmertiliy" updates will be Monday or Tueday nights (after each meeting)- although I must point out I am getting a DVR for this so I don't miss Heroes!!! I am still allowed a bit of that Jo selfishness and shallowness....also being that bit cynically selfish does help me cope when "What to do When you are Expecting" sings like a siren song from my desk drawer from one of those months when I got all excited.
And in closing - Sarah Palin did not teach her child appropriate sex ed and given that both she and her hubby hunt I imagine there is a rifle point directly at poor Levi's head. And if she is anti-choice which she chooses to prove by having her child with trisomy 21 then show him off, make him a part of all of this - don't just come onstage with your youngest daughter carrying him. Show us that you mean to care for this special and wonderful baby should you (and the thought does terrify me on so many levels) become our next VP. As for comparisons - 17 year old knocked up daughter, Downs baby - sorry does not compete with the tragedy that Joe Biden faced. Oh and Sarah lose the Tina Fey look- liberals and I assure Tina are a tad miffed....Oh and your first job taking care of 8000 people: over 30,000 work at MGH, there is a condo complex in Manhattan with it's own zip code - oh and you only had your passport for a year - well ain't you just the sweetest darn thing ever. Bless - those damn Aleutian Islands can be so tricky. Oh please. Ladies do not vote for McCain just because of "Miss Sarah" vote for people with real ideas and real ideals and real morals. Go with Obama and Biden. Please....pretty please.....
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Possum Tossing
So as my readers (if I have any except Nessa) know I am not from the USA, and because of that I am not terribly familiar with North American wildlife. I know about coyotes, rattlers, birds, coatis, and even bears and deer - you know stuff that doesn't come in the bloody yard! Now last year when we moved to Boston I discovered opossums and raccoons, and while I have seen them in the neighborhood they have never actually bothered me and raccoons are really, really cute.
So now we move onto my new occupation/skill - please if you are a PETA person stop reading now!
I was sitting on the back porch chatting to my sister in law about maternity clothes and I noticed that the dogs were tossing what I thought was toy between them. It looked like a ducky from Pet Smart. Oh sweet Jesus I suddenly realise that it is not a toy - it is something real! I hang up the phone and dash down to the patio and realize that the "toy" is an opossum. But Jo knows jack about these weird rat/kangaroo creature. I see it looking like it is in full rigor, it seems to gasp a breath - I thought agonal - freaked out - picked it up and tossed it about 30 feet into the parking lot next door. I run inside shaking my hands squealing "We don't have nice dogs, we don't have nice dogs"
Robert comes out - goes over to the "dead possum" - and points out that possums play dead - hence the term "playing possum". He flips the critter into a pet carrier and leaves it on the side porch. Lo and behold 2 hours later there is a very pissed off very much alive opossum sitting in a pet carrier baring it's 50 teeth at us!
The possum has now run away to safer dog and possum tosser free pastures! So I am now officially a "possum tosser"
So now we move onto my new occupation/skill - please if you are a PETA person stop reading now!
I was sitting on the back porch chatting to my sister in law about maternity clothes and I noticed that the dogs were tossing what I thought was toy between them. It looked like a ducky from Pet Smart. Oh sweet Jesus I suddenly realise that it is not a toy - it is something real! I hang up the phone and dash down to the patio and realize that the "toy" is an opossum. But Jo knows jack about these weird rat/kangaroo creature. I see it looking like it is in full rigor, it seems to gasp a breath - I thought agonal - freaked out - picked it up and tossed it about 30 feet into the parking lot next door. I run inside shaking my hands squealing "We don't have nice dogs, we don't have nice dogs"
Robert comes out - goes over to the "dead possum" - and points out that possums play dead - hence the term "playing possum". He flips the critter into a pet carrier and leaves it on the side porch. Lo and behold 2 hours later there is a very pissed off very much alive opossum sitting in a pet carrier baring it's 50 teeth at us!
The possum has now run away to safer dog and possum tosser free pastures! So I am now officially a "possum tosser"
Monday, August 25, 2008
A whole week without drama in the 'hood
So the 17 year old who was shot last week is doing okay, and the 4 year old is apparently doing okay too, off the vent and progressing. A 19 year old known gang banger has been arraigned - apparently he has a very long history of gang violence. Awesome - so why are these kids wandering around unfettered by the norms of a decent society. I must admit I have been raised to be very tolerant of other people, and to respect other people but I have to admit that I am having some issues lately - don't know if it's age or just being surrounded by so much stuff that just seems wrong.
Our next door neighbors are Muslims, now in the grand scheme of things given everything that has happened in the past few years one would expect us to be a little leery. No, we're not - they are the most lovely people we have met. They are friendly, funny. engaging and their children are just the most polite and respectful kids ever.
So when am I nervous? Well now, walking past Bragdon St I get a chill. (Foolishly I decided that I would walk down the back lane after picking up the Sunday papers - still could smell cordite and could easily see the bullet holes.). Groups of young guys in very baggy pants, with tats and their do-rags and baseball hats, especially with cell phones on walky talky settings. Any group of young guys hanging out in yards or on porches in wife beaters and baseball shorts drinking with hip hop blasting. I know I am racially profiling people and there is a part of me that hates myself for it, but at the same time what else can I do? The entire culture is set up around gang culture, and even if many of these kids are not affiliated they are pose in the thug life and walk the walk and talk the talk so what else am I supposed to do?
The events of the past 10 days have really pushed us to think more seriously about buying. So on Saturday we went to look at what we thought was a lovely old 5 bedroom Victorian in Fitchburg. We were so in love with this house - it has a turret! So we drive the 50 miles through some super pretty country, and then came Fitchburg. Okay so we get there and it is kinda tatty, (a bit like that drive into Prescott), but you know it's the outskirts, maybe by the house it'll be different cutesy and arty as it is supposed to be close to the state college. WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. Ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly. We drive up poorly maintained roads that are steep and winding. We see quite a few folk who look like they should live on Bragdon St. Then we find the dream house - not such a dream - peeling paint, higgledy piggledy and money pit screaming from every dusty window. And it is only walking distance to the college and the commuter rail if you have a sled or downhill skis in the winter. Then as we are leaving we go past the homies with their wife beaters and baggy pants, drinking their beer on the front porch with the hip hop blasting from the SUV. Talk about home away from home!
So we are now firmly looking only at places east of 295 - preferably Plymouth, Salem or Gloucester. A year I hope - Christmas next year ideally we will be out new home - our home with no landlords or landladies, no gang bangers, no kids with air pistols, no gang tags on every corner.
Our next door neighbors are Muslims, now in the grand scheme of things given everything that has happened in the past few years one would expect us to be a little leery. No, we're not - they are the most lovely people we have met. They are friendly, funny. engaging and their children are just the most polite and respectful kids ever.
So when am I nervous? Well now, walking past Bragdon St I get a chill. (Foolishly I decided that I would walk down the back lane after picking up the Sunday papers - still could smell cordite and could easily see the bullet holes.). Groups of young guys in very baggy pants, with tats and their do-rags and baseball hats, especially with cell phones on walky talky settings. Any group of young guys hanging out in yards or on porches in wife beaters and baseball shorts drinking with hip hop blasting. I know I am racially profiling people and there is a part of me that hates myself for it, but at the same time what else can I do? The entire culture is set up around gang culture, and even if many of these kids are not affiliated they are pose in the thug life and walk the walk and talk the talk so what else am I supposed to do?
The events of the past 10 days have really pushed us to think more seriously about buying. So on Saturday we went to look at what we thought was a lovely old 5 bedroom Victorian in Fitchburg. We were so in love with this house - it has a turret! So we drive the 50 miles through some super pretty country, and then came Fitchburg. Okay so we get there and it is kinda tatty, (a bit like that drive into Prescott), but you know it's the outskirts, maybe by the house it'll be different cutesy and arty as it is supposed to be close to the state college. WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. Ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly. We drive up poorly maintained roads that are steep and winding. We see quite a few folk who look like they should live on Bragdon St. Then we find the dream house - not such a dream - peeling paint, higgledy piggledy and money pit screaming from every dusty window. And it is only walking distance to the college and the commuter rail if you have a sled or downhill skis in the winter. Then as we are leaving we go past the homies with their wife beaters and baggy pants, drinking their beer on the front porch with the hip hop blasting from the SUV. Talk about home away from home!
So we are now firmly looking only at places east of 295 - preferably Plymouth, Salem or Gloucester. A year I hope - Christmas next year ideally we will be out new home - our home with no landlords or landladies, no gang bangers, no kids with air pistols, no gang tags on every corner.
Monday, August 18, 2008
THE DRAMA JUST NEVER ENDS
So, sitting on the couch in a lovely post-anesthesia, post percocet haze watching Charlie Bartlett (great movie by the way), Robert notices that there is a police car outside, with the lights flashing. Now bearing in mind we had heard no sirens (for those of you who either live her or have visited us you know this is odd), so being totally nosey we go outside to take a peak. Oh my God it is like a cross between Law and Order and CSI. There are cruisers, there are plain clothes officers, there is a dog, and they are combing the parking lot in front of the house and the back lane over that way with flash lights. The out comes the crime scene do not cross tape - now this covers the whole of the parking lot and we look up the hill and it is cordoned off there too. Now given the incident last week I ask the officers if everything is okay - the answer (to my mind at least) a somewhat facetitous "It's fine now we're here". So we just watch, and watch. Finally since I need to buy some post-op accessories we have to go to the Walgreens, and BOOM we find out what is going on.
There has been a shooting at 25 Bragdon St - just round the corner from us - seriously about 1/2 a block away. Now this house has always given me the willies - just too many folks coming and going at odd hours, the kids (about 5 and 6) all up to late, too many folk hanging around outside - just a little off. And to be honest I had started calling it the "crack house".
All we know so far is that the 5 year old little boy and his 17 year old cousin had been shot on the back porch - apparently by another 17 year old. Oh YAY - I am so glad I have the meds on board right now 'cause I would probably be totally freaking out.
We give it a year now then we are out of here - I finally have that real motivation to save seriously. There is no way in hell that I am letting my baby be raised here. Seriously even Rodrigo across the street who was raised here in Roxbury wants out...North Shore or South Shore - I don't care just somewhere a little less diverse and a little less likely to expose us to this much violence.
There has been a shooting at 25 Bragdon St - just round the corner from us - seriously about 1/2 a block away. Now this house has always given me the willies - just too many folks coming and going at odd hours, the kids (about 5 and 6) all up to late, too many folk hanging around outside - just a little off. And to be honest I had started calling it the "crack house".
All we know so far is that the 5 year old little boy and his 17 year old cousin had been shot on the back porch - apparently by another 17 year old. Oh YAY - I am so glad I have the meds on board right now 'cause I would probably be totally freaking out.
We give it a year now then we are out of here - I finally have that real motivation to save seriously. There is no way in hell that I am letting my baby be raised here. Seriously even Rodrigo across the street who was raised here in Roxbury wants out...North Shore or South Shore - I don't care just somewhere a little less diverse and a little less likely to expose us to this much violence.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
What a week
It is easier to just number the things that have happened in the past 7 - 14 days.
1. We saw an MBTA sitting at a red light suddenly decide to just drive through the light
2. Keyspan/National Grid (whatever they are called now) charged us $900 for a month of gas
and are trying to say the bill is accurate. Oh and now their website is down.
3. We had to call the police because 3 kids were firing air pistols at the house
4. My landlady really hates me - and I am blaming #2 for that one
5. Work is out of control
6. I saw a homeless dude laying on the sidewalk outside of Borders with his willy out peeing.
7. We had another power outage with no explaination from NSTAR
8. I am very tired and have to have surgery in the morning
1. We saw an MBTA sitting at a red light suddenly decide to just drive through the light
2. Keyspan/National Grid (whatever they are called now) charged us $900 for a month of gas
and are trying to say the bill is accurate. Oh and now their website is down.
3. We had to call the police because 3 kids were firing air pistols at the house
4. My landlady really hates me - and I am blaming #2 for that one
5. Work is out of control
6. I saw a homeless dude laying on the sidewalk outside of Borders with his willy out peeing.
7. We had another power outage with no explaination from NSTAR
8. I am very tired and have to have surgery in the morning
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Time for genreal anesthesia
So off we got to see Dr. Styer for my pre-op appointment ready for my hysteroscopic myomectomy. Robert actually comes with me as he is finally realizes that I am a total and utter basket case about this. I am wound up leaving the house as we had had to call the police last night because of the teenagers shooting their air pistols/BB guns whatever you want to call them at the house. I wasn't actually that scared until I looked out the kitchen window and one of the little bastards was pointing his pistol at me. I have visions of coming home to at best a severely egged house at worst windows out or the house jusy burned down. Oh God we need to move. All this happens just a day or so after my landlady has been asking if we would ever consider buying the house! Puhleeze.
But enough of our ghetto adventures. We get to yawkey 10, and the adorabel MA takes us back to the exam room. Oh oh - something is wrong here - the ultrasound machine is there. I look at her - I am sure my eyes are like saucers.
"Am I having an scan?" I squeek
"Oh yes, he just wants to do one more pre-op"
Robert beats a hasty retreat to the waiting room, while I once again undress from the waist down, worry because I haven't shaved my legs, lie on the tabel, cover myself with the paper sheet and put my feet inthe stirrups. I don't even have to be directed to the right position anymore - my butt just wiggles into place.
Now I will give Dr. S credit it was far less painful than when the radiologist did a hysterosonogram but all the same to sneak one up on a girl - no fair!
But surgery is scheduled for Monday August 18th. I am truely scared and I don't really know why. I trust him, it is minor compared to other surgeries I have had yet I am nauseous with fear and anxiety. There are so many what ifs circling my brain right now. I know I need to sleep but I am so totally overwhelmed with all of this now.
But enough of our ghetto adventures. We get to yawkey 10, and the adorabel MA takes us back to the exam room. Oh oh - something is wrong here - the ultrasound machine is there. I look at her - I am sure my eyes are like saucers.
"Am I having an scan?" I squeek
"Oh yes, he just wants to do one more pre-op"
Robert beats a hasty retreat to the waiting room, while I once again undress from the waist down, worry because I haven't shaved my legs, lie on the tabel, cover myself with the paper sheet and put my feet inthe stirrups. I don't even have to be directed to the right position anymore - my butt just wiggles into place.
Now I will give Dr. S credit it was far less painful than when the radiologist did a hysterosonogram but all the same to sneak one up on a girl - no fair!
But surgery is scheduled for Monday August 18th. I am truely scared and I don't really know why. I trust him, it is minor compared to other surgeries I have had yet I am nauseous with fear and anxiety. There are so many what ifs circling my brain right now. I know I need to sleep but I am so totally overwhelmed with all of this now.
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