So last night we got such happy and wonderful news. My gorgeous sister-in-law is pregnant. 13 weeks, due in February. I was trying so hard to be gracious and what did I do? I burst into tears. Then because I cried I became the selfish person who upset the pregnant girl. A girl just can't win.
So how am I really feeling? Numb I guess, frustrated, old, tired and really, really lost and alone. I keep hearing all the old caveats and want to scream - scream at everyone who gives me one of those pieces of advice. So here is my advice to everyone who wants to reassure someone who is dealing infertlity:
1, Never say "Your turn will come"
2, We don't want to know about your sister's friend's cousin twice removed who adopted and then fell pregnant on her own
3, We don't want to know about your friend who had accupuncture and drank Chinese herbal teas and got pregnant
4, Please don't tell us "well you can just adopt" - I don't have that kind of financial resources
5, Please don't tell us "oh just relax and it will happen"
What we want is for you hug us when we're sad, not treat us as if we are made of the most brittle china in the world. We want you to ask us how things are going, we don't want you to worry about how to tell us that you are pregnant - that just makes us feel more isolated.
This is very painful. Every month there is another invasive procedure, another blood test, another scan, another reassuring pat on the hand from the reproductive endocrinologist, another feeling of utter despair when you get your period. Another feeling of failure. You see no matter how successful any of us are professionally we cannot recognize those successes right now. Our whole chemical make-up is going haywire right now. Oh we know how successful we are academically, professionally etc, but we still feel like utter failures as women because we cannot do the one thing that every women should be able to do.
