So off we got to see Dr. Styer for my pre-op appointment ready for my hysteroscopic myomectomy. Robert actually comes with me as he is finally realizes that I am a total and utter basket case about this. I am wound up leaving the house as we had had to call the police last night because of the teenagers shooting their air pistols/BB guns whatever you want to call them at the house. I wasn't actually that scared until I looked out the kitchen window and one of the little bastards was pointing his pistol at me. I have visions of coming home to at best a severely egged house at worst windows out or the house jusy burned down. Oh God we need to move. All this happens just a day or so after my landlady has been asking if we would ever consider buying the house! Puhleeze.
But enough of our ghetto adventures. We get to yawkey 10, and the adorabel MA takes us back to the exam room. Oh oh - something is wrong here - the ultrasound machine is there. I look at her - I am sure my eyes are like saucers.
"Am I having an scan?" I squeek
"Oh yes, he just wants to do one more pre-op"
Robert beats a hasty retreat to the waiting room, while I once again undress from the waist down, worry because I haven't shaved my legs, lie on the tabel, cover myself with the paper sheet and put my feet inthe stirrups. I don't even have to be directed to the right position anymore - my butt just wiggles into place.
Now I will give Dr. S credit it was far less painful than when the radiologist did a hysterosonogram but all the same to sneak one up on a girl - no fair!
But surgery is scheduled for Monday August 18th. I am truely scared and I don't really know why. I trust him, it is minor compared to other surgeries I have had yet I am nauseous with fear and anxiety. There are so many what ifs circling my brain right now. I know I need to sleep but I am so totally overwhelmed with all of this now.
Newborn Poppy
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Monday, August 11, 2008
Holding it together - but barely
So I have spent the past week alternating between ecstatic and utterly miserable. I have also spent some of that miserable time feeling as if I am the most selfish cow on the planet for being miserable? Why all these tangled emotions you ask?
No it had nothing to do with the very public arrival of the Brangelina babies, or the fact that every magazine (barring good old Heat) is obsessed with the latest celebrity baby bump, baby delivery and post-baby amazing body, although I must point out that all of this irritates me beyond all reason. I have even stopped buying them, and retired from my Saturday morning E Television fests.
No the reason for the up and down mood was the absolutely blessed news that my sister-in-law is pregnant. I am genuinely thrilled for her and her hubby, and I know that they will be great parents. However....when she told me I burst into tears, and that of course upset the already hormonally charged mom to be, pissed off my dear hubby (he thought I was being selfish), got my mum out of bed at 0100 (GMT), and generally caused a whole lot of whoo haaa that lasted into the middle of the week.
I was good - I did call my sister-in-law back and tell her I was sorry for crying and that I was genuinely thrilled for her, but it was quite unbelieveably hard. But it was done. Then I spent big chunks of Monday and Tuesday crying on Karen's shoulder.
My mum on the other hand resrted to the "pull yourself together" school of maternal outreach everytime I tried to explain how utterly miserable I was and how no matter how happy I am for the new arrival early next year it really does nothing more than reinforce the fact that it does not seem to be happening for me. I don't think she quite understood. In the end I sent both sets of parents (not the expectant ones - just mine and his) an email explaining how I feel - here it is:
Look
I am doing okay - I am appropriately sad - given the circumstances. Had I known M and S were trying it would have been less of a shock to me as it was it was kind of like being sucker punched. Please don't get me wrong I am absolutely thrilled and delighted for them both and I know they will be awesome parents. I am trying my best to gracious and grown up. I don't want everyone walking on egg shells and being scared that "I'll do something silly". It would be better for me if everyone could just get over those moments of stupidity in my past like I did. No talking about the new baby is not going to be helpful, so please don't avoid talking about it. Last month I was 3 days late - and I allowed myself to foolishly get excited.
Robert is doing his best to be there for me, but with the best will in the world he is a guy and he doesn't quite get it. But please don't think that he isn't being supportive - he is.
This whole situation is very hard work and is a lot to deal with so I am trying to focus my energies on other things - like work, like the book I am playing at writing, like working in the house, and preparing myself psychologically for the surgery - even though it is minor I have to prepare myself. I am also waiting to hear back from the mind-body medicine program here at MGH as they have an infertility program, it involves CBT, yoga, meditation and is a 12 week program. It is something proactive that I can do. Just as I will continue to see Dr. Meminger and Parekh, and Dr. Styer and the nutritionist and everyone else who I have to see. I will continue to try to lose weight and get in shape physically - hey I already lost quite a bit.
I love you all very much, and all I need right now is to hear "It's okay" I don't need to be told how to feel, or what is appropriate or inappropriate for me to feel. I have spent much of this past couple of months feeling very lost and scared and unless you have been facing the thought of never being able to do the one thing in life you always thought you would do (especially with a history like mine) you really can't understand. This is something that is out of my control and I don't like that, I don't like not being able to find a solution and fix it myself. I feel betrayed by own body. I know I am a nurse, but remember I am highly specialized - my knowledge of Ob-gyn is the same as anyone else - it is overwhelming and very scary as I don't quite get it all - Poor Dr. Styer does his best but eventually all I hear is "blah, blah, blah, no clomid, ovarian reserve too low, blah blah blah unlike to happen without help, blah, blah, blah go straight to injectables"
Please don't even begin to try to say to me that maybe children aren't in the plan the fates have me - really that just annoys me and of all the platitudes that is the most hurtful, and I already hate every other platitude - from relax and it will happen to the stories everyone has about their friends sisters cousin...
I see teenagers wrangling their broods and I am so angry I can hardly speak, because they are barely adults themselves. I see famous people popping out babies and adopting all over the place and all I feel is absolute fury at how unfair it is that just because they are rich they are some how more worthy. I resent my career even because I have devoted so much of my life to that and time just flew by and suddenly it seems as if I missed my chance.
So there you have it - that is pretty much how I feel right now. It comes and goes - I was quite jolly and happy this morning, and as the day has worn on my mood has worsened, but it will no doubt improve again.
Love from Jo
That took quite some doing let me tell you. Just rereading it now makes me want to cry and really I am just so sick of crying.
So what have I done about it? I am scheduled to meet with the mind-body medicine folks to see if I can get into their program, I bought a how-to on writing the break out novel, and I bought a really pretty cross stitch that I am doing for my niece/nephew's nursery. It is something.
I talked to my parents on Saturday and they studiously avoided the subject - just offered to fly out after my surgery - I politely declined. I haven't talked to my sister-in-law or mother-in-law since then. I talk to Nessa. And actually Robert and I have started talking about it some more. I think he is going to come to Dr.Styer's with me on Wednesday when I sign the consent forms - more so he can hear it from the horses mouth as it were about the difficulties we are facing. I am trying to get ready psychologically for my surgery but unfortunately all that does is make me worry about complications - what if I bleed out? What if I end up needing an emergent hysterectomy? I have had so much surgery in the past for all the ortho disasters but I have never ever been this terrified in my life.
No it had nothing to do with the very public arrival of the Brangelina babies, or the fact that every magazine (barring good old Heat) is obsessed with the latest celebrity baby bump, baby delivery and post-baby amazing body, although I must point out that all of this irritates me beyond all reason. I have even stopped buying them, and retired from my Saturday morning E Television fests.
No the reason for the up and down mood was the absolutely blessed news that my sister-in-law is pregnant. I am genuinely thrilled for her and her hubby, and I know that they will be great parents. However....when she told me I burst into tears, and that of course upset the already hormonally charged mom to be, pissed off my dear hubby (he thought I was being selfish), got my mum out of bed at 0100 (GMT), and generally caused a whole lot of whoo haaa that lasted into the middle of the week.
I was good - I did call my sister-in-law back and tell her I was sorry for crying and that I was genuinely thrilled for her, but it was quite unbelieveably hard. But it was done. Then I spent big chunks of Monday and Tuesday crying on Karen's shoulder.
My mum on the other hand resrted to the "pull yourself together" school of maternal outreach everytime I tried to explain how utterly miserable I was and how no matter how happy I am for the new arrival early next year it really does nothing more than reinforce the fact that it does not seem to be happening for me. I don't think she quite understood. In the end I sent both sets of parents (not the expectant ones - just mine and his) an email explaining how I feel - here it is:
Look
I am doing okay - I am appropriately sad - given the circumstances. Had I known M and S were trying it would have been less of a shock to me as it was it was kind of like being sucker punched. Please don't get me wrong I am absolutely thrilled and delighted for them both and I know they will be awesome parents. I am trying my best to gracious and grown up. I don't want everyone walking on egg shells and being scared that "I'll do something silly". It would be better for me if everyone could just get over those moments of stupidity in my past like I did. No talking about the new baby is not going to be helpful, so please don't avoid talking about it. Last month I was 3 days late - and I allowed myself to foolishly get excited.
Robert is doing his best to be there for me, but with the best will in the world he is a guy and he doesn't quite get it. But please don't think that he isn't being supportive - he is.
This whole situation is very hard work and is a lot to deal with so I am trying to focus my energies on other things - like work, like the book I am playing at writing, like working in the house, and preparing myself psychologically for the surgery - even though it is minor I have to prepare myself. I am also waiting to hear back from the mind-body medicine program here at MGH as they have an infertility program, it involves CBT, yoga, meditation and is a 12 week program. It is something proactive that I can do. Just as I will continue to see Dr. Meminger and Parekh, and Dr. Styer and the nutritionist and everyone else who I have to see. I will continue to try to lose weight and get in shape physically - hey I already lost quite a bit.
I love you all very much, and all I need right now is to hear "It's okay" I don't need to be told how to feel, or what is appropriate or inappropriate for me to feel. I have spent much of this past couple of months feeling very lost and scared and unless you have been facing the thought of never being able to do the one thing in life you always thought you would do (especially with a history like mine) you really can't understand. This is something that is out of my control and I don't like that, I don't like not being able to find a solution and fix it myself. I feel betrayed by own body. I know I am a nurse, but remember I am highly specialized - my knowledge of Ob-gyn is the same as anyone else - it is overwhelming and very scary as I don't quite get it all - Poor Dr. Styer does his best but eventually all I hear is "blah, blah, blah, no clomid, ovarian reserve too low, blah blah blah unlike to happen without help, blah, blah, blah go straight to injectables"
Please don't even begin to try to say to me that maybe children aren't in the plan the fates have me - really that just annoys me and of all the platitudes that is the most hurtful, and I already hate every other platitude - from relax and it will happen to the stories everyone has about their friends sisters cousin...
I see teenagers wrangling their broods and I am so angry I can hardly speak, because they are barely adults themselves. I see famous people popping out babies and adopting all over the place and all I feel is absolute fury at how unfair it is that just because they are rich they are some how more worthy. I resent my career even because I have devoted so much of my life to that and time just flew by and suddenly it seems as if I missed my chance.
So there you have it - that is pretty much how I feel right now. It comes and goes - I was quite jolly and happy this morning, and as the day has worn on my mood has worsened, but it will no doubt improve again.
Love from Jo
That took quite some doing let me tell you. Just rereading it now makes me want to cry and really I am just so sick of crying.
So what have I done about it? I am scheduled to meet with the mind-body medicine folks to see if I can get into their program, I bought a how-to on writing the break out novel, and I bought a really pretty cross stitch that I am doing for my niece/nephew's nursery. It is something.
I talked to my parents on Saturday and they studiously avoided the subject - just offered to fly out after my surgery - I politely declined. I haven't talked to my sister-in-law or mother-in-law since then. I talk to Nessa. And actually Robert and I have started talking about it some more. I think he is going to come to Dr.Styer's with me on Wednesday when I sign the consent forms - more so he can hear it from the horses mouth as it were about the difficulties we are facing. I am trying to get ready psychologically for my surgery but unfortunately all that does is make me worry about complications - what if I bleed out? What if I end up needing an emergent hysterectomy? I have had so much surgery in the past for all the ortho disasters but I have never ever been this terrified in my life.
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