So I sit there and I realize I am one of the very few women sitting alone except for Gloanna (name changed) and maybe one or two others. This is opening night at the institute and because of that spouses and partners are allowed and encouraged. Good luck with mine - he has school until 19.30 and this all is a bit touchy feely group therapy for him.
How do I feel? Well I tried to be so clinical but found my heart pounding, my mouth dry and my fight /flight drive in over drive...so do I punch the smug women with their dull husbands or do I just run out, grab the big check I wrote and forget this as stupid and desperate?
We watch a power point - now that did make me super relaxed and I did nod off but after that it was all get in a circle and let's divulge and share about anything except pregnancy....I'm sorry but shouldn't that be part of this? Shouldn't we talk about those infertility feelings? Apparently not. Oh and then just to make this so much more stressful and uncomfortable we have an "assigned" buddy. Seriously looking around the room we are all mature and professional women do we really need to be assigned friends by the soft spoken group leader?
So I try really hard to do what I am told, but is just like JPN 201 all over again. I cannot meditate alone - I find the spot on the floor that need to be cleaned right then, or I just drift off and think about what I need to do at home and at work. And because I don't do what I have been told to do I feel like a failure and wonder again why I am putting myself through this?
Is the weekend any different -well really no. We have to go the grocery store, the gas station, the car wash, pick up N from the airport...run run run. Sunday I feel good I do 30 mins of Wii Fit and at least an hour of the dance and other random shift your arse Raving Rabbids game on the Wii. I don't eat crap, but as ever I can't sleep so here I am ...and as bad as this makes me sound I am drinking myself to sleep....Oh and by the way I know it doesn't really work - but allow me something I can put false hope into.....
