Monday
So, I stopped thinking about having a baby and concentrated on just having fun. It's been lots of fun.....But of course now I am 5 days late. I am now actually too scared to pee on a stick. I emailed the amazing Cheryl about maybe doing a blood test. I will see what happens over the next few days. I don't know what to do. It just seems that after all these months of worry it may be too good true to be true. So what's a girl to do? I think it may be time to talk to the mommy pals and see what they say.........
Tuesday
I am exhausted, no matter what I do and my eyes are all kinds of screwy when I am at work - I am thinking a combination of stress and the lighting. I would love more natural light but that's impossible at this time of year - oh, and my office has no windows. So I am still wondering. Finally at lunch time Judy asks me how the baby making is going and so I tell her that I am now 6 days late - so we do a serum HCG. I spend 2 hours feeling sick with butterflies - and there it is <6 as usual. I am not sure why I let myself be so hopeful this time. Maybe I thought that the fates would smile on me this time, and I would find out that I was pregnant almost exactly 3 years since the miscarriage. But the fates are obviously busy elsewhere again. I hate that I am feeling like this - there are so many people in this world with problems that far surpass mine but just for a few days I know I won't be able to get my head around that. So now I get ready for the period that will undoubtedly come and then get ready for another painful feet in stirrups procedure where they say that ibuprofen before hand will make it such a breeze - this is a lie. I get another test just to see how broken I actually am, how far past my sell by date I am. How I blew those 2 chances, how I am being punished for my sins.
The worst thing is I can read this and part of me is thinking "Whoa crazy girl here" but another part of me is "Sod it - this is something I want more than anything in the world I am allowed to have some self pity, I am allowed to acknowledge my feelings, get them out.
This sucks. Basically that's it. It sucks.
