So it happened. Happy Friday - here comes mother nature. I actually thought I was doing really well until Saturday when Pampers ads and the ad for the Cord Blood banks made me cry, and that has pretty much been the status quo since then. It seems that anything and everything sets me off. Of course none of this is helped by the fact that other people who are blessed to be pregnant are unhappy with their bump and shudder at the thought of any pregnancy pictures, and just generally complain. Well you know what "SUCK IT UP" You have something that so many of us would give anything for, no being pregnant is not easy, it's bloody hard work carrying around a whole new life, but you are having a healthy baby so don't you dare complain that your tummy looks wrong. I would in all seriousness sell my soul for a baby.
See - I am getting pretty close to the edge of reason now. It is all becoming a bit too much. I have never felt more alone in my life, and I have never felt like such a failure. You think that being a mom is a given, at least I always did. I know I made mistakes in the past, and I know that realistically I am not being punished by some higher power for them, but the feeling is still there. But the overwhelming feeling I have is that I know I will be a bloody good mom - I would just like the chance to do it. Just once. I am not greedy, I don't want a brood, just one little person.
I feel bad for Robert because he just doesn't know what to do about how I am feeling, he doesn't know what to say so he gives me all the platitudes I hear from everyone else. Next year, it'll happen, stop worrying, stop obsessing. I can't tell him how upset she is making me because then I am just being mean and bitchy. You know what maybe I am but I don't know how else to feel when the lovely soft teddy bear, the big bumper bag of new baby stuff and cute clothes are not getting put in a dresser here, and then he asks me to make a quilt for her - and I just can't. I have tried. I have talked maternity clothes (none of them were good enough), nursery themes, vaccination schedules - everything a supportive relative should do - and not once has any of them actually said "Hey Jo, how are you doing with all of this?" Is that too much to ask? I actually just told Robert how I feel and he offered to talk to her for me, but of course his rationale is "Well she's probably just saying that so you don't feel bad" Well guess what - it bloody well makes me feel worse because it makes her sound so bloody ungrateful and vain and spoiled.
So I will have my HSG which as I have said previously will undoubtedly be incredibly painful, and my mum and Nessa and a few other good friends will ask me how I am - but some will just ignore it. It almost makes me feel like they are thinking that if they all ignore it it will go away and I won't be there to take the shine off the perfect child.
