Tick tock tick tock

Robert gets his tonsils out in February and being a total dude he really isn’t up for much hanky panky for a few weeks so February was a wash. March however was a different matter. I think I know when I am going to ovulate – seriously my cycle even without the pill is 28 days. I time it perfectly. We actually have pretty mind blowing sex – almost like that we just met and can’t keep our pants on sex. We do this a lot.
I start getting really nauseous, and my boobs start to hurt more than ever and feel huge. So much so that one of my doctors can’t take his eyes off them while I am talking to him. I actually feel pregnant, or rather I feel vaguely like I did 13 years ago. I am actually so convinced I but a copy of “What to Expect When You Are Expecting.” (It lives in my desk drawer in the office). I don’t tell Robert this time – and I’ve given up alcohol for Lent. I wait. Then one day my boobs stop hurting and I get my period. Only thing is I am actually over a week early. What? I always have 28 day cycles. Where did this 18 day cycle come from? This time I fall apart.
It is really hard to get Robert to understand. I am plagued by guilt about the termination I had before I came to the States and by the miscarriage we had in 2005. As pro-choice as I am in the back of my mind there is a little voice telling me that I am being punished first by the miscarriage and now by not getting pregnant. I keep wondering about those two pregnancies being my only chances and that I blew them. It’s not a very nice feeling. I am also frustrated with myself because I don’t want to be that girl. I don’t want to be the one who obsessively counts the days in her cycle, feels her cervical mucous, takes her basal body temperature, forces sex on exactly the right days. But still that bloody alarm clock (it’s now a Mickey Mouse one) is there. Tick tock tick tock.

I finally get proactive about this. I take a deep breath and sick day to sort my head out. What do I know?
I can get pregnant – I’ve managed it twice by accident
I have been on the pill for an awfully long time
I have fibroids and a history of ovarian cysts
What can I do?
Continue the watchful wait on the fibroids?
Get myself a doctor who specializes in fibroids?
Number 2 – come on down.