How Do You Explain Death to a 2 Year Old?

Raleigh, our amazing Chesapeake Bay Retriever died today. We knew we were on borrowed time, we just didn't expect this today. This morning I came downstairs and he was laid by the back door which he had never done - he was sleep on the couch boy. I had a bad feeling when I left for work this morning, but I didn't expect the call from Robert at 1.45. He had come home from the park and coffee shop with Poppy and found him. He got Poppy upstairs, and spent some time saying goodbye to Raleigh, before covering him.

I took a cab from work, and it was during that hour it hit me. I have spent most of career working with adults and children with cancer. I have been around death and dying for years, but I have never thought about how you tell a child about death. My pediatric patients often had an understanding of death, some even made many of their end of life decisions, but I never thought about how parents told siblings. How were we going to Poppy? Raleigh was her best buddy. Whenever we were coming home from anywhere in the car about 2 blocks from the house she would start saying "RaRa I coming" and "I see RaRa soon." On the occasions we have had to park around the corner and not in front of the house we have had to deal with uncontrollable sobs as she wailed "I see RaRa." Oh man this would be tough. And after years of talking about and dealing with death I had no idea what to do. When Raleigh had gotten sick about a month ago we had explained that Raleigh was very old and that he would soon go to heaven, and that heaven had lots of tennis balls for him to play with and he would be able to go swimming. We avoided talking about him going to the doctor - not wanting her to later associate doctors with anything bad. She often told us "RaRa poorly, legs hurting" and "Poppy take care RaRa"

So this is what happened. She was asleep, and rightly or wrongly we woke her up rather than let her wake up naturally and leave the poor dog on the couch any longer than necessary. I told her she had to be very brave, and that we were going downstairs to say bye bye to Raleigh because he had died. I told her he looked like he was asleep but he would not wake up. She petted his nose and through her "Why the hell did you wake me up?" tears she said "Bye bye RaRa I love you." The she asked to go back to bed. I took her back upstairs and Robert took Raleigh to the vet. When she did not go back to sleep I brought her into our bed and we laid down snuggled up looking up at the sky lights, and we talked about how Raleigh was in heaven. I told her that he was up high in the stars and that he would look down and see us and make sure we were okay even though we would never see him again. She piped up "Raleigh up in stars." I told her yes, then she says "Raleigh up in moon?" I said yes. She nodded in that wise way only toddlers know and gave me a big hug. So given that I am pretty much an agnostic I think I did a pretty good job on the heaven thing. We came downstairs, she didn't look for him, she grabbed a Curious George phonics book and asked me to read it. Now this is interesting - one of the little stories is about George going to the doctor. She made me read this 5 times until Robert came home and then she flew to him hugging him so tight and told him "Raleigh up in stars daddy." Then she asked to go for sushi.

On the way home she started asking for him, and we told her very quietly and calmly "Raleigh is dead honey, he is in heaven up in the stars." No fuss, no crying. We got out of the car and got to love on Cheddar our neighbor's adorable lab which made a huge difference because when we came in the house she did not look for him.

After her bath we had to read stories - and of course she wanted "dog stories" and the only one I had to hand was "Saying Goodbye to Lulu." Oh this is the one book I did not want to read. I read it twice, I cried, she kissed me and kissed me.

So we do not know what tomorrow will bring, the new day will not fill the Raleigh shaped hole on the couch, for a dog who was pretty quiet of late overall the house seems abnormally quiet now. All I can say is as hard as it was I am very comfortable with our decisions to let her see his body and say goodbye, and with the decision to not use euphemisms for death. We did not tell her that he had run away (my parents did that to me - took me about 32 years to work it out), or gone to live with another family. Yes we used the abstract concept of heaven, but I do feel as if he is somewhere watching us, playing with endless tennis balls, and swimming but that couch is awful empty.

Oh if anyone is interested this is the book - this is the link to author's website.



http://www.corinnedemas.com/books/lulu.html

Maternal musings at 16 months

I had planned to write another Poppy update when she turned 1, but as I am sure every other parent can attest the time just gets away from you, and the older they get the faster the time seems to go. I would love to wax lyrical, but have decided to revert to the something that may seem a little more clinical....and if in parts it sounds whiney I apologize, but I bet every mummy has had similar feelings.....

Mobility - AKA - appreciating the days of always knowing where she was
It is hard now to remember the pre-mobility days, but I do remember worrying that she would never progress from commando crawling to "real crawling." I can't exactly remember when she was suddenly up, and suddenly very very fast, but I know we were both really glad that we had pre-emptively childproofed. Stairs came next, she mastered going up those before she could actually walk independently. Walking happened at the best possible time. We had gone to the UK for Christmas and on December 23rd with much urging and cheering from my Uncle Stephen she walked to my mum, just 2 or 3 steps, but that was it took - she has never stopped since. She hates to be restrained, although we have made sure that she still likes to be in her stroller - we want to delay the refusal to use that for as long as possible. We have the baby reins in the closet and no doubt by the summer we will be using them. Rob was never very keen on the idea of "putting Poppy on a leash" until after daycare one day when he was unlocking the car she took off for the woods shouting "Bur...bur...bur" and signing bird!

Mouthy just like mummy and daddy
Poppy found her voice quite early - but then for a long time she did nothing. She knew mama, dada, baba, gaga but the seemed to choose not to talk, preferring that caveman communication of pointing and grunting. Robert and I are both very chatty (just in case any of you had missed this...) so it was a little disconcerting, but just like walking once she started she never stopped. It is fun trying to guess what she is saying - we know what some of her linguistic inventions mean but it was trial and error. She ate lots of cheese for a while - until we worked out that cheese just meant "I'm hungry", she also drank lots of OJ until we realized that "juice" just meant thirsty. Now she knows "shuz" (shoes), "ban" (banana), "ca" (cat), "ba' (bath), "bur' (bird), "che" (cheerios), "fush" (fish) "bye", "mama", "daddy" and "gadad" (grandad - my dad). The most embarrassing linguistic development has been "bub" which means boob and is accompanied by trying to pull up my shirt (or when we left her with my parents for a couple of days my mum's - that caused some chuckles) She has also shown quite a natural aptitude for signs and signs banana, cereal, cat, dog, change, more, eat, drink, bath, toothbrush, blanket (which I think is funny since she really never really uses a blanket), hat (something else she refuses to use), fish. She has this odd little "lubbly, lub, jubbly" thing she does when she is frustrated which is really hysterically funny.

Becoming a big girl
We finally got her off the bottle and on to a cup, but we just cannot get this kid off the boob. As I have said before I have was a reluctant breast feeder to say the least and here I am 16 months later still nursing at least twice a day. It has been hard because she has never really used a dummy (pacifier) and only sucked her thumb for a short time so she tends to use mummy as a dummy - which is proving a hard habit to break. I know she will get there, but I think we may be waiting for the time she can understand that "You are a big girl and big girls don't do this' (In the interim anyone reading this who has suggestions - please please share). She has started just in the last couple of weeks to be very selective over her clothes, which is adorable. She has become interesting in helping - she loves loading and unloading the dishwasher and actually knows where things go; she also loves the broom and the swiffer (she even has her own kiddy broom that I have found so handy for getting toys out from under the sofa)

Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom
As for solid food she is a good little eater, and an adventurous one at that. One of the best books I read after I had her was "Hungry Monkey" (http://hungrymonkeybook.com/)
and we purposely have tried to make Poppy an adventurous eater. She is sometimes picky though - her favorite foods are cheese, any kind of noodle, curry, palak tiki, rice, meatballs, fish, ham, grapes, oranges, raisins, bananas, bread and butter and of course jelly babies. She certainly likes spicy food, and strong cheeses! I am probably having way too much fun making her lunches when she is at daycare - complete with molds to turn hard boiled eggs into bunnies, fish, teddy bears - although perhaps this would be more fun if she actually liked eggs....

Daycare - AKA We know it's the right thing to do but wow it is a license to print $$$
After seeing how well Poppy did when we had her going tot he back up daycare at work while Rob finished his thesis, and how much she loved being around my (huge) family at Christmas we decided to bite the bullet and put her in part-time daycare. We finally found a school we both loved and were thrilled it actually had a space. It is bilingual French/English and Montessori to boot! It is crazy expensive, but an expense we don't care about because as we watch her learn to play with other kids, watch her language develop along with all her other skills. A lesser reason for daycare was that Poppy was becoming a little too much like the dog - she would pant, she would try to drink and eat like him - it was really funny but at the same time...well you know what I mean!

On being a parent - AKA - guilt, neurosis, guilt, neurosis
Being a nurse is challenging at the best of times, but having a background in pediatric oncology makes you especially vulnerable to neurosis. When Poppy was tiny she had two rubbery lymph nodes at the base of her skull and I monitored them obsessively. Our pediatrician dutifully checked them out, and even acknowledged that she understood why I was so hyper aware of them. The lymph nodes went away; I breathed a sigh of relief. I still feel guilty over every bump and bruise, and have to squash the "what if that snotty nose is really ___________________ (insert your own terrible childhood disease here) thoughts.

Mommy guilt however has become a constant, and this is never helped by those few people who actually reinforce it. (I am particularly sensitive about this, so I admit I may be overreacting). Guilt about work is the hardest especially when I have to explain that we have no family in MA, so there are no grandparents or aunts and uncles to step in to help. We do have great friends who will babysit for us so we do get the odd night out, but I feel the absence of family very acutely.

Apart from the guilt of working (or the guilt I get because I am not willing to work beyond my 40 hours any more and believe me there are a few people - all women - who have issue with this) there is the guilt of raising Poppy away from her grandparents, her cousins, her aunts and uncles. Having one set grandparents on the other side of the US and the others on another continent is tough. Skype is a great thing and as she has gotten older Poppy has become more interactive with her grandparents

Love
I am still overwhelmed at times by the love I feel for this small person who pretty much runs the house. I didn't know it was possible to be so completely in love. At 2 in the morning if she is awake and just wants to chat to me, then so be it - I am exhausted the next morning but I would not swap that precious conversation for anything (the last one had something to do with a bird and a dog and she thought is was hysterically funny). She has her own sign for love, and she will suddenly stop what she is doing and look at us and smile that smile and make her sign for love. (She does this to the cats and the dog too). I have eased off on the endless spoiling - in retrospect I think some of that stemmed from an unspoken fear that we would not get to keep her (see neurosis/guilt etc). I am fascinated by her, fascinated by her little quirks, endlessly entertained by her developing sense of humor, amused by the way she will stop whatever she is doing if she hears Chris Matthews's voice (yes - he of MSNBC's Hardball) she is his youngest fan. It is a wild ride, and I know it has hardly started on the greatest adventure of our lives

Lily

Five years ago, after having a miscarriage I made the rather hasty decision to get a puppy. I can still remember that it took about 2 weeks to finally come home with one - the first weekend foray to PetCo and their adoption fair almost resulted in me bringing home a 6 month old deaf St. Bernard, but in a rare moment of sanity I resisted (he was wicked cute). It was during the second weekend trip that I found Lily, or rather that Robert found Lily. I was looking at her sister a dusty brown bundle who was almost the color of the Arizona desert in fall and winter, when Robert tapped me on the shoulder and in his arms was a jet black sausage. There is no other word to describe Lily at that age - she was a sausage.

The first night we brought her home she got out of her puppy crate and I found her the next morning curled up on a pile of books in the living room. This set the pattern for several more nights until she finally got used to the crate. From the start Lily was a challenge. We had been spoiled with Raleigh, he potty trained really fast, he never chewed, but Lily - oh Lily. Lily chewed her way through a French/English dictionary, all of my shoes, and several novels, and she adopted the spare room of our house on Fairoaks as her own indoor bathroom. She was hard work. But she was also so rewarding, if you accidently stepped on her she would yelp then sit with her paw in the air acting as if you had caused her indescribable pain - more than one friend fell for this trick. She never got used to mirrors, and would bark at her own reflection, and get quite indignant about the "other dog" in the room. She was a hussy who would happily roll over for extended tummy rubs. She never learned the command "roll over" but she knew "roly poly." She walked to heel immediately without prompting, she aced puppy classes, and she was in many ways more obedient than Raleigh. Friends who were scared of dogs warmed to and even loved Lily, she was ridiculously easy to love. She was always a "fraidy cat", she was always skittish, and no amount of training, no amount of love, no amount of security did anything to abate her fears and anxiety.



When we moved to Boston she spent every day standing on the front seat of the car, refusing to sit down much less lay down until it got dark. At rest areas she would hide behind my legs to bark at people - and in every hotel she would curl up at the foot of the bed, reveling in the treat of not sleeping in her crate.



In Boston the more tricky parts of having a dog with so many fears became more apparent. Lily was scared of trash bags, of plastic grocery bags, even pillow cases - anything you could shake in order to make room inside of it. She was scared of water bottles, would go ballistic when anyone came to the door, loud noises - car horns, construction, trucks, people talking loudly while going past the house would set off a storm of barking. She could turn on a dime, and poor, mellow Raleigh was usually the recipient of these sudden episodes of aggression. We did more training, we saw a doggy therapist, we tried Prozac, we made her walks longer, we set more boundaries. We loved her.



When we found out we were pregnant, we worried about how Lily would react to the baby, but when Poppy arrived we realized that we had been worrying for nothing. She loved Poppy from the second we brought her home, all her instincts to be protective of me switched to being protective of Poppy. She would gently take food from Poppy, sitting patiently and waiting until Poppy offered her the tasty treat. She would oh so gently take the toys Poppy offered her on an hourly basis (we would then spend the next 10 minutes chasing Lily around the house to get the toy back). Poppy would squeal in delight - plainly in cahoots with this now 70 pound barrel of a dog.



Three of four weeks ago Lily started to change; while she stayed devoted to Poppy she seemed to distance herself from us. Her days were spent upstairs on the bed, only coming down when I came home from work. She was more nervous than ever, barking more, oftentimes at nothing. She became irritable with the cats, and very irritable with Raleigh, snapping at him. We practiced watchful waiting, and on some level I began to prepare myself for the worst. This weekend it became readily apparent that Lily was really sick and that we could do no more. We gave her 5 years of love and affection that she may never have otherwise had. We gave her more chances than any other owner would have, we never gave up no matter how difficult her behavior became. We will never know what caused such a rapid decline in Lily's health, or why she had so many "issues" in her short life. Physically the vet suggested an overwhelming infection, or a tumor, what emotional scars she had, well we will never know what she was exposed to before she found herself in the shelter in Tucson, but we all agree she was exposed to some immense cruelty.



Today at 2.15, I sat on the floor with Lily in the "quiet room" at the Angell Animal Medical Center while a lovely vet administered a lethal dose of a general anesthetic. It was very peaceful; she really did just go to sleep. We donated her body to the vet school, in hope that someone can learn from her.



God speed my little Putt Putt Lily Butt. We loved you so much, and that is why we made this hardest of choices so you no longer had to suffer.

It Suddenly Hit me

My friend Adrienne just gave birth to a little boy name Abram yesterday, and when I looked at the photographs of that tiny little guy it suddenly hit me that Poppy will be 11 months on Thursday - it seem just seconds since she was such a tiny wee thing. It has really been a whirlwind since she was born, and although I plan on writing again when she hits a year the arrival of Abram prompted me to jot down a few little things I have learned....

1. I am not a bad mum if she does not get a bath every night
2. I am not a bad mum if she sleeps in the same pajamas 2 nights running - if they are clean she really doesn't care and it saves on laundry
3. It took me 9 months to pluck up the courage to clip her finger nails and now that I clip them I swear they grow faster than ever
4. I am still horribly judgemental but only in certain instances - like when I see toddlers drinking soda, eating Doritos and junk food or when I see (and this happens often) parents smoking over the stroller
5. I do not need to change her on a changing table (believe me Boston's North End has no changing tables) I am very good at adapting...
6. I was probably one of the most reluctant breast feeders in the world yet here I am 10 months later and still only making a half assed effort to start weaning. She will likely be off formula before she is off breast milk
7. Costco's own brand formula is exactly the same as Enfamil and costs half the price - I wish I had known that 10 months ago
8. If you have a dog the baby will eat dog food at some point there is nothing you can really do to avoid it - it doesn't make you a bad mum
9. A good mum and baby group makes a huge difference
10. I can do anything on 4 hours sleep (or less)
11. Letting Poppy cry it out does not make us bad parents (we do actually love Dr. Ferber)
12. Babbling back at Poppy and having silly conversations with her in public are only embarrassing for other people - we don't care
13. I understand why J.M Barrie said that whenever a baby laughs a new fairy is born

6 month thoughts

Poppy is six months old – I am honestly not sure where the time has gone. So now I find myself reflecting on six months of being a parent. First and foremost I do love it; I honestly do not have the words to describe this, just as I don’t think I will ever have the words to describe the love I have for Poppy. I think I have said this before but it is so important it needs to be said again, I really understand when a parent says they would kill for their kid. I would kill for Poppy in less than a heartbeat. I honestly did not understand that love could be so consuming. It really does not matter how I am feeling, I can be grouchy, I can be tired, I can be angry and I just need to look at her and all of that negativity melts away – it takes one smile, one giggle even just a sideways glance. She is copying us now which is so much fun. She sees a cup she grabs it and tried to drink, we pull a face she tries to pull it - every day is an adventure! She is sitting up alone, doing baby push ups, grabbing and reaching...The dogs still adore her and she adores them, she also loves Archie the cat who is very patient with the early attempts at petting. Toy wise we are loving Manhattan Toy (whoozits) and Folkmanis puppets. Robert and I reamain utterly unrepetant about our utter lack of restraint when it comes to Poppy - we are both very aware that she may well be our only child, so yeah right now she is spoiled.

We have started solids in the past couple of months and as we have reached 6 months we are looking at ways to have her grow to be an adventurous eater. Why? have you ever really looked at baby food? It is bland and it is boring. I read an amazing book called "Hungry Monkey" and that really made me think about how in the US and UK we train our children to like bland and boring foods. So every so often we introduce a new taste - something a little more interesting and so far so good. She likes mile tikka masala sauce, she likes katsu curry, hummus, tofu, mild enchilada sauce. Believe me she liked mixed garden vegetables much more when I mixed in some katsu curry sauce!

I have to thank my moms from Isis for how smooth this has all turned out to be. Knowing so many great women who have little ones the same age as Poppy has made such an incredible difference in my life. I also love watching all of us grow as mothers, and as women. I love hearing about every milestone these babies reach, their triumphs are ours, their sniffles and tummy upsets are ours. Robert and I realize how easy it is to become isolated after having a baby but thanks in part to these great families that hasn’t happened. I also have to thank Jill and Shaun, Janet and Chris, Dana and Joe, Stacey and Jake for all their help and advice! And then there is the UK contingent..Ste and Lou, Helen and Beccy, and the mysterious of course Agnes Elizabeth...

I think it is funny that after going through so many warning lectures after I had Poppy about how I was at such high risk of post partum depression here I am not taking any anti-depressants and just feeling more content than I have in a very long time. I know I am maybe an exception to the rule regarding post-partum depression but apart from those first 6 weeks when I was just tired, frustrated and still hurting I have never felt better.

I am more tired than I though was ever possible. We went to see Alice in Wonderland – I was so excited, my parents were babysitting, we were out on a date! We had an early dinner, we settled into our movie seats with our dark glasses on and I promptly fell asleep. We haven’t tried the movie theater again – hell we haven’t tried another date yet! It seems although we talk a good game about having a babysitter we just cannot quite leave Poppy with a stranger, and of course leaving her with a friend feels like we are imposing even though given how she just charms everyone this is probably unlikely!

I have noticed other changes too – and I am not sure they are positive, but I think they may well be natural. I am so incredibly judgmental. There I said it – I look at some other parents and I judge, and I often find them lacking. I am not talking about our friends I am talking about the people I see in my regular every day activities. I see the family with the 3 or 4 year old in the stroller and I wonder why they are not making their child walk. I listen to how other parents talk to their children and I flinch. I am being honest, I physically flinch. I see so many peole with toddlers and young children not restrained in cars, or those parents who insist on smoking around their children, and please don't get me started on the soda in the bottle or the sippy cup! We were standing waiting for the T the other night listening to some (very) young moms talking to each other - every other word was an F-bomb and they were laughing because one of the kiddos had apparently said "No shit momma" - this child was maybe 3 or 4. Am I snob for being utterly appalled by this?

We are also more intent than ever on getting the hell out of “Dodge.” Last week a 14 year old was shot and killed 3 blocks from my house, on a basketball court we drive past at least 3 or 4 times a week. This is the same basketball court that has tennis courts and a playground and just a couple of weeks ago I had said to Rob, “Maybe we should bring Poppy up here one day just to play.” Not likely now. So we have started looking for houses out of the city. We are specifically looking at Manchester-by-the-Sea, Essex, Beverly and Gloucester right now, but will likely look at Scituate and Plymouth too. We are as Robert puts it “shopping by school district.” I do love the city, and yes, we could look at private schools but they are around $25,000 a year for elementary (infants) school and I don’t want to do that when we can just move to a town where there are regular schools that are just as good.

3 months, 12 weeks, 13 weeks

....it has all blended into one huge milestone. Poppy turned 3 months on Valentines Day - seriously how much cuter could that be? I am now already hitting that point where I am pinching myself because it is all going so fast - too fast. I am also pretty sure having talked to so many friends and family who are already mums that it just keeps speeding up from here on in.
So what has happened since the last note?
Poppy is growing like a weed. When we had our 2 month appointment she weighed in at a health 12 and a half pounds and 23 inches long. We weighed her yesterday at Isis and inbetween the cute outfit and the minor mad she was having she was anywhere between 13 and a half and 14 pounds - time to get the tape measure out and see if she got taller which I am sure she did! Getting her to keep her legs still long enough to measure her will however be the tricky part. She has a new nickname..."Kicky Girl" She just loves to kick her legs and see how high she can make them go and the look of utter happiness onthat little face when she does this is so incredible. She has also been busy discovering that her feet and hands actually belong to her and her hands taste way better than her dummy (pacifier). It is so cute to both of us to wake up in the early hours and hear her sucking away on her hand. She hasn't gotten her feet into her mouth yet but they are sure fascinating. The first day she found them was so funny, she was wearing a romper and the leg parts end mid-calf. She started pulling up one leg - pretending to be LL Cool J I think, and all of a sudden she sees her foot and sits there staring at it for like 5 minutes. We promptly went out and bought her the Lamazze hand and foot rattles which she completely ignores, but her sleep and play outfits that have little characters on the feet are now the greatest thing ever. She also has discoverd some toys notable Mr. Whoozit (Manahattan Toys), Mr Buzzy (Zolo fuzzi puffi) and Sophie( Vulli) - it is so fun to watch her become aware of these new things. She has also started pushing the dogs away when they get too kissy which is super cute! She is also discovering her voice lots of coos and gaas and most recently giggles, yup like her mummy she is very vocal!
I loved my mommy and me class at Isis, and I start the next one in the coming week and what makes it so much better is that there are at least 3 other moms from the first class in it. I really believe that Great Beginings stopped me from becoming depressed, to have the support of other mums with new babies of the same age as your infant is utterly invaluable. I resisted joining Isis while I was pregnant but post-partum? Best thing I ever did!
I went back to work on Feb 1st and this working full time is proving to be a challenge. Leaving her that first time wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, but then Robert had actively encouraged me to go out without her while I was still on maternity leave and that really helped. The biggest challenges have been learning to pump effectively so my milk supply does not decrease, and dealing with being so sleep deprived while working. I think I have the pumping thing sorted out, with the help of Chris who is so very patient with me pumping in the office and great at reminding me to pump. The sleep thing is not so easy as I am seriously aware of how mean I can be when I am tired and of course Robert gets the brunt of my moodiness. I am trying to remember that I have spent my entire adult life learning to multi-task and I really can't expect Robert to be able to instantly do this....We are working on it - he is the best stay at home dad ever, but he is no good at house work and child care at the same time! We are starting to interview babysitters and housekeepers and this is pretty scary! I am just so glad we don't have to interview nannys! I have however rediscovered cooking, and coming home and cooking a really nice meal is not only relaxing for me, but it is also good for us as a family, and way better than take out junk. Also I lost all the baby weight and then some and I really want to keep the wieght off and maybe even lose a bit more....
Some random things I have learned? Gerber onesies are useless the sizing is so off. UK baby clothes are bigger than US baby clothes. Carters baby clothes are fab as are Just One Size and Baby Gap (US) and Mothercare, Baby Next and Marks and Spencer. Toys R Us is hideously expensive - compared to other places. Boston is very unfriendly to wheelchairs and prams and pushchairs - the bus is impossible, I am yet to brave the green line and the ramps in the mall basically mean you are going the long way round!

Tea Party Terrors

I am quite fascinated by Sarah Palin - she is remarkably ill-informed and uneducated yet she is adored by a seemingly large group of Americans. I laugh everytime Tina Fey impersonates her on SNL, but as a laugh there is a tickle of fear in the back of my brain, a scary what if scenario...What if she did get elected to high office at some point? What is she becomes truely influential? At the same time I have wanted to see if she is maybe just incredibly charismatic and that is why she has so many fans. Her Facebook page has > 1 million fans, she is always on the news...I am also intrigued by this Tea Party Movement (I really hate using title case for this since I think it gives them some legitimacy). What is their appeal? Is it just like Sarah in that they are always on the news? Is it because they shout so loud?

So how to do this? Ah yes those "patriots" the Tea Party came to Boston today and their key note speaker was Sarah herself. In preparation for this (working on a know thy enemy theory) I went to the Tea Party Express page and to the FB page dedicated to the event in Boston. I did upset a couple of people and I was called a sarcastic twit - oh well guilty as charged. So off we went - me, Robert and Poppy on a bright sunny morning to Boston Common. it was shockingly quiet, especially since before we left the house we breifly polluted our living space with Fox News who said that 30,000 people were expected. When we got to the area where the rally was being held there was the expected number of white people with their signs declaring President Obama a communist/socialist. decrying the government for the bailout, for the overall current econiomic state, the health care reform bill etc etc etc - nothing unexpected there. They weren't terribly loud, just generally milling about waving flags with snakes on them (apparently a flag from the American Revolution). There were some vendors selling scary t-shirts (see photos), there were the expected number of white supremacists and bikers, and in the distance it seemed there were speakers. here's the thing the accoustics were dreadful so you really couldn't hear much unless you were tight up front with the press. There were the anti-teaparty folks who had the best and most inventive signs.

So do I actually have any answers to my questions? No - I could barely hear what Sarah Palin had to say although the line "We'll keep clinging to our guns and constitution and you can keep your change" was disturbing, and obviously designed to make the crowd scream in joy - which they did. The tea party folks really did nothing to make me want to hear what they had to say - they just reinforced what i already thought that they are ill-informed, ignorant and yes they are homophobic and racist. They are shouting for lower taxes, smaller government - meaning less government involvement in their lives, they want more freedoms (as the government denies them this apparently). So here are my questions - yousay you want less government control and more freedom , but you don't want people who disagree with you or who do not fit into your belief system. But you want unemployment benefits, and judging by the majority of people I saw today, you freely use social security and medicare all provded by the government/taxes. Many of you I am sure used public transport to get to Boston Common today - on roads paid for by the government/taxes, and your children go to schools paid for by the government/taxes. You want to see a doctor when youare sick, but don't want universal healthcare. You want these things - but you shout for lower taxes and less government control so do you want schools to be more financially strapped than they are already, do you want roads to fall apart, to you want no social security or medicare? What are you going to do if you have a catastophic illness? For those who were there with their children - what are you going to do if your child gets a catasrophic illness? What if you give birth to a child with a serious illness? You will certainly be screaming for health care should that happen. Not one of you complains about the money that was poured into the Iraq war - a war which was started under false pretences. Not one of you admits or recoginises that the financial collapse happened on GWB's watch and President Obama is trying to dig us out of that bloody big hole. You are all very happy to tell those of us who disagree with you to go to Canada or Europe if we want to maintain our support for the President and if we believe in him. Here's a thought - if you hate the USA so much why don't you leave? As one sign said "If you want less government go to Somalia."
While the crowd today was not a big as Fox news would have us all believe I am nervous enough to say to all my rational friends, do not listen to these people, and please do not blindly agree with them, they are potentially pretty dangerous.

3 months

3 months, 12 weeks, 13 weeks ....it has all blended into one huge milestone. Poppy turned 3 months on Valentines Day - seriously how much cuter could that be? I am now already hitting that point where I am pinching myself because it is all going so fast - too fast. I am also pretty sure having talked to so many friends and family who are already mums that it just keeps speeding up from here on in.
So what has happened since the last note?
Poppy is growing like a weed. When we had our 2 month appointment she weighed in at a health 12 and a half pounds and 23 inches long. We weighed her yesterday at Isis and in between the cute outfit and the minor mad she was having she was anywhere between 13 and a half and 14 pounds - time to get the tape measure out and see if she got taller which I am sure she did! Getting her to keep her legs still long enough to measure her will however be the tricky part. She has a new nickname..."Kicky Girl" She just loves to kick her legs and see how high she can make them go and the look of utter happiness onthat little face when she does this is so incredible. She has also been busy discovering that her feet and hands actually belong to her and her hands taste way better than her dummy (pacifier). It is so cute to both of us to wake up in the early hours and hear her sucking away on her hand. She hasn't gotten her feet into her mouth yet but they are sure fascinating. The first day she found them was so funny, she was wearing a romper and the leg parts end mid-calf. She started pulling up one leg - pretending to be LL Cool J I think, and all of a sudden she sees her foot and sits there staring at it for like 5 minutes. We promptly went out and bought her the Lamazze hand and foot rattles which she completely ignores, but her sleep and play outfits that have little characters on the feet are now the greatest thing ever. She also has discoverd some toys notable Mr. Whoozit (Manahattan Toys), Mr Buzzy (Zolo fuzzi puffi) and Sophie( Vulli) - it is so fun to watch her become aware of these new things. She has also started pushing the dogs away when they get too kissy which is super cute! She is also discovering her voice lots of coos and gaas and most recently giggles, yup like her mummy she is very vocal!
I loved my mommy and me class at Isis, and I start the next one in the coming week and what makes it so much better is that there are at least 3 other moms from the first class in it. I really believe that Great Beginings stopped me from becoming depressed, to have the support of other mums with new babies of the same age as your infant is utterly invaluable. I resisted joining Isis while I was pregnant but post-partum? Best thing I ever did!(The prozac bottle is still unopened)
I went back to work on Feb 1st and this working full time is proving to be a challenge. Leaving her that first time wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, but then Robert had actively encouraged me to go out without her while I was still on maternity leave and that really helped. The biggest challenges have been learning to pump effectively so my milk supply does not decrease, and dealing with being so sleep deprived while working. I think I have the pumping thing sorted out, with the help of Chris who is so very patient with me pumping in the office and great at reminding me to pump. The sleep thing is not so easy as I am seriously aware of how mean I can be when I am tired and of course Robert gets the brunt of my moodiness. I am trying to remember that I have spent my entire adult life learning to multi-task and I really can't expect Robert to be able to instantly do this....We are working on it - he is the best stay at home dad ever, but he is no good at house work and child care at the same time! We are starting to interview babysitters and housekeepers and this is pretty scary! I am just so glad we don't have to interview nannys! I have however rediscovered cooking, and coming home and cooking a really nice meal is not only relaxing for me, but it is also good for us as a family, and way better than take out junk. Also I lost all the baby weight and then some and I really want to keep the wieght off and maybe even lose a bit more....
Some random things I have learned? Gerber onesies are useless the sizing is so off. UK baby clothes are bigger than US baby clothes. Carters baby clothes are fab as are Just One Size and Baby Gap (US) and Mothercare, Baby Next and Marks and Spencer. Toys R Us is hideously expensive - compared to other places. Boston is very unfriendly to wheelchairs and prams and pushchairs - the bus is impossible, I am not ready to brave the green line and the ramps in the mall basically mean you are going the long way round!